Don't Call It A Comeback, I've Been Here For Years
So basically Cingular Wireless should just give me road head. For those of you who have Cingular service, i really feel for you. I think cingular wireless may have the most inconsistant service i have ever seen...ever. Here is a copy of what i would assume Cingular's Service Standars Training Manual looks like. Honestly, it's so accurate its almost if i stole a copy.
WELCOME TO THE CINGULAR WIRELESS TEAM!!
You will find this manual helpful when dealing with guests and providing service specific to the standard operating proceedures that this manual has laidforth.
GREETING A CUSTOMER:
Always use a casual tone and use street slang because every customer wants to be perceived as uneducated.
Use greetings and sales pitches like "Let me see your phone" or "Come here!" when attempting to lure prospective mall customers.
If you are an employee in a Cingular store, never be at the desk or in a visable location. You must be on the phone at all times and/or use terms like "oh shit" when customers show you their overages. This will show that you empathize with them.
Lure guests in using proven methods of deception such as
* false promises
* introductory rates that have expired already
* free long distance that costs money
* mail in rebates that cost money to mail in
* uneducated sales associates who use pitty as a sell tactic
CUSTOMER HELP LINE:
Our customer service number is is 611 to insure that a simple slip of the finger will dial 911 and the customer will be directed to someone else who can help them. This will also decrease call volume.
At cingular wireless we have installed a minimum 7 minute wait time to talk to a "real person." Here at cingular wireless we define real person as a illiterate appologetic robot. Our service professionals will mislead most customers and pass off most problems as user errors to free up time for other service failures. Remember valued associate...Its up to you to remind the customers' that the contract they signed means that we already have their money so use phrases like "we messed up but technically..."(at this point think of some unstructured technical jargin and confidently state your underdeveloped point to the client in the form of an open ended question.) This will allow you as the associate to establish dominance in order to force what you know is best for the customer. In labratory tests, mice have responded well to this. So will your customer.
When setting up an account charge the customer minutes off their plan to call your phone to make sure that their phone works. Nothing is better than handing a customer a used phone that has already cost them minutes off their new plan.
There is no need to explain to new customers all of the features of the phone and how to use them. Instruct them to examen the 100 page manual. Although it may be written in chinese, 1/5 of the world speaks this language so we can only instruct the guest that we are "playing the numbers"
YOUR IMAGE AS AN ASSOCIATE:
Remember, Its your job to put the Ass in Associate. That means you should look like a cocky piece of shit that did 1 year of community college. It is also advised that you wear a dress shirt and tie so it is believable that you can actually form a sentence and collect a paycheck. When dealing with the customer remeber the CAMP FAILURE principle.
C -Cingular
A -Associates
M -Make
P -People
F -Frustrated
A -At
L -Life
I -In
U -Unprecedented
R -Rates
E -Everywhere
Also remember...the customer is right. Its just up to you to help them come to their conclusion.
SERVICE:
We are striving to provide more bars in more places meaning that we already have a service malfunction. We feal that providing compromised service with lowered expectations can only mean that we can improve right? We at cingular wireless have made great strides in customer safety by ensuring that our service will not work on major interstates between new york and boston such as rt. 91 right near bradley international airport to ensure that people are focusing on driving and not making important phone calls regarding flight delays, cancellations, normal business transactions via phone, conference calls, leisure calls, airport communications, corporate district business calls, service to suburban hartford areas, CT air national guard communications as well as other military bases in a close proximity. These are low priority calls and we do not feel that these groups needs should be met. When a customer has atleast 3 or 4 bars we at cingular make sure that their service will be lost only after the call is connected so that way we can charge them for one minute for lost calls.
So good luck associate. Keep in mind that only you can keep our customers under contract. If it means that we only hire attractive blonde girls with compromising sexual values as sales clerks we will do it. Because we care that much that the customer is catered to. If it means that we can put a guest on hold for 23 minutes in order to transfer them to someone who will transfer them to a person that knows how to connect them with another 800 number to help them....we will do it. We are Cingular Wireless. "If it is not our pleasure to have your money, we will not rest."
**sidenote...wow, did you just see that misleading sentence i just wrote...that sounded so fucking good that im pretty sure cingular just cut and pasted that into their corporate mission statement.
-For 150 dollars you can breach a legal contract with cingular wireless....trust me.
WELCOME TO THE CINGULAR WIRELESS TEAM!!
You will find this manual helpful when dealing with guests and providing service specific to the standard operating proceedures that this manual has laidforth.
GREETING A CUSTOMER:
Always use a casual tone and use street slang because every customer wants to be perceived as uneducated.
Use greetings and sales pitches like "Let me see your phone" or "Come here!" when attempting to lure prospective mall customers.
If you are an employee in a Cingular store, never be at the desk or in a visable location. You must be on the phone at all times and/or use terms like "oh shit" when customers show you their overages. This will show that you empathize with them.
Lure guests in using proven methods of deception such as
* false promises
* introductory rates that have expired already
* free long distance that costs money
* mail in rebates that cost money to mail in
* uneducated sales associates who use pitty as a sell tactic
CUSTOMER HELP LINE:
Our customer service number is is 611 to insure that a simple slip of the finger will dial 911 and the customer will be directed to someone else who can help them. This will also decrease call volume.
At cingular wireless we have installed a minimum 7 minute wait time to talk to a "real person." Here at cingular wireless we define real person as a illiterate appologetic robot. Our service professionals will mislead most customers and pass off most problems as user errors to free up time for other service failures. Remember valued associate...Its up to you to remind the customers' that the contract they signed means that we already have their money so use phrases like "we messed up but technically..."(at this point think of some unstructured technical jargin and confidently state your underdeveloped point to the client in the form of an open ended question.) This will allow you as the associate to establish dominance in order to force what you know is best for the customer. In labratory tests, mice have responded well to this. So will your customer.
When setting up an account charge the customer minutes off their plan to call your phone to make sure that their phone works. Nothing is better than handing a customer a used phone that has already cost them minutes off their new plan.
There is no need to explain to new customers all of the features of the phone and how to use them. Instruct them to examen the 100 page manual. Although it may be written in chinese, 1/5 of the world speaks this language so we can only instruct the guest that we are "playing the numbers"
YOUR IMAGE AS AN ASSOCIATE:
Remember, Its your job to put the Ass in Associate. That means you should look like a cocky piece of shit that did 1 year of community college. It is also advised that you wear a dress shirt and tie so it is believable that you can actually form a sentence and collect a paycheck. When dealing with the customer remeber the CAMP FAILURE principle.
C -Cingular
A -Associates
M -Make
P -People
F -Frustrated
A -At
L -Life
I -In
U -Unprecedented
R -Rates
E -Everywhere
Also remember...the customer is right. Its just up to you to help them come to their conclusion.
SERVICE:
We are striving to provide more bars in more places meaning that we already have a service malfunction. We feal that providing compromised service with lowered expectations can only mean that we can improve right? We at cingular wireless have made great strides in customer safety by ensuring that our service will not work on major interstates between new york and boston such as rt. 91 right near bradley international airport to ensure that people are focusing on driving and not making important phone calls regarding flight delays, cancellations, normal business transactions via phone, conference calls, leisure calls, airport communications, corporate district business calls, service to suburban hartford areas, CT air national guard communications as well as other military bases in a close proximity. These are low priority calls and we do not feel that these groups needs should be met. When a customer has atleast 3 or 4 bars we at cingular make sure that their service will be lost only after the call is connected so that way we can charge them for one minute for lost calls.
So good luck associate. Keep in mind that only you can keep our customers under contract. If it means that we only hire attractive blonde girls with compromising sexual values as sales clerks we will do it. Because we care that much that the customer is catered to. If it means that we can put a guest on hold for 23 minutes in order to transfer them to someone who will transfer them to a person that knows how to connect them with another 800 number to help them....we will do it. We are Cingular Wireless. "If it is not our pleasure to have your money, we will not rest."
**sidenote...wow, did you just see that misleading sentence i just wrote...that sounded so fucking good that im pretty sure cingular just cut and pasted that into their corporate mission statement.
-For 150 dollars you can breach a legal contract with cingular wireless....trust me.
posted by mcbride at 8:53 PM
2 comments
