Get it together!
Some homeless people just don't have what it takes in my book. Its not that they aren't worth my spare change. They are. But their sales pitches are just not impressive and im not buyin. Now everyone that knows me knows that i am a sucker for people in need and im the last person that you would expect this blog from but honestly, some people just don't deserve the help that others sacrifice on their behalf. VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: IN THE EVENT OF HURRICANE KATRINA STRIKING NEW ORLEANS AND LEAVING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS HOMELESS, IN ALL FAIRNESS AND COMPASSION, THIS BLOG HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. FOR ALL PURPOSES, READERS SHOULD JUST FORGET AND IGNOR THAT THIS TRAVESTY EVER HAPPENED, KIND OF LIKE HOW THE PRESIDENT AND AFLUENT GOVT. OFFICIALS DID. wow, yeah i just wrote that. sorry but thats just how i feel. i know....strong move on my part. but thats what i do.
Anyways, so I was in boston the other day just walking around and i swear homeless people just like plauge the streets there. They just sit there shaking their cups and asking if i can spare some change. The best part is that they actally look more presentable than regualar hippies do on a good day. Upon further review, they may have just been hippies sitting down with holding cups without lids and not infact homeless people. Either way i declined their sales pitch. Every last one of them. Here is why.
Fucking do something. No im not being like oh just get a job....yeah way to go fuck ass, there may not be such things as "dumb questions" but there are infact dumb answers. you have stumbled across one. for a job you need - ID, soc sec card, proof of citizenship and work papers, transportation, experience, education, references, contact information (a phone of email), skills, pass a drug test, clean criminal background, phyical capabilities, and that thing called an address.
Here is a mock resume of a homeless person and you be the judge if they will ever get a job.
Homeless Joe
Cardboard Box around the corner
just yell to contact
Objective: To become the richest man in the universe
Education: School and shit
Work Experience: Street corner management
Accomplishments: I once stopped a taxi with my body, I received hepititis
Community Service: I recycle cans
Yeah exactly, so there goes your, oh they should all just get jobs jargin. Maybe you should get a fucking job and see how much it sucks. However this blog has always been by the people and for the people so here are some suggestions for the homeless.
Learn a trick, skill, instrument, gesture, and or other entertaining routine. Like why haven't the homeless figured this out. I will gladly give them a quarter if they play drums of empty trashcans. Or juggle empty liquour bottles i mean come on! make yourself attractive to your clientele. Learn to sing, dance, punch yourself in the face, do whatever....just do something. I saw these homeless people in boston that were playing drums with sticks and made drums out of buckets and used hubcaps and they made more an hour than i do...seriously though. They had a bucket of money next to them...i basically wanted to throw my college degree in it. So anyways, do something, learn how to finger paint. Learn how to be a mime, thats easy enough right? Basically just learn anything that would make me feel like i wasn't buying you heroine everytime i toss you a coin.
Next suggestion... start walking south. Like why the fuck would you ever be homeless and living in Maine. Start walking bitch. Its called the appalachian trail. It goest to Georgia for a reason. The most annoying thing is when you hear about a bum that freezes to death. Its like dude, why didn't you start walking south in like...September. You would be passed out on a beach in florida while I freeze ass for 4 months. Even birds are like, fuck this shit and they fly south to avoid the shit fest that is a new england winter, why not take advice from birds. Even if you didnt' have a map you could just follow the birds. Or just walk away from the North Star. Yes, i just thought of that.
Last suggestion...Go to jail. Jail is like the best deal going. Free lodging, laundry, meals, work out facilities, 24 hour security, free utilities, free phone call, possesion storage, complimentary transportation, gated community. Just do some serious non-immoral crime and just wait for the cops to arrive. Walk into a bank claiming you have a gun and you want all their money, then just lay on the ground with your hands behind your head till the cops arrive. This shit is flawless. This will atleast get you 5-10 years in club fed. Upon release you won't be able to get a job but its not like you had one in the first place so you are straight. If things get ugly again just repeat the process.
The appilachian trail is like the underground railroad for the homeless.
Anyways, so I was in boston the other day just walking around and i swear homeless people just like plauge the streets there. They just sit there shaking their cups and asking if i can spare some change. The best part is that they actally look more presentable than regualar hippies do on a good day. Upon further review, they may have just been hippies sitting down with holding cups without lids and not infact homeless people. Either way i declined their sales pitch. Every last one of them. Here is why.
Fucking do something. No im not being like oh just get a job....yeah way to go fuck ass, there may not be such things as "dumb questions" but there are infact dumb answers. you have stumbled across one. for a job you need - ID, soc sec card, proof of citizenship and work papers, transportation, experience, education, references, contact information (a phone of email), skills, pass a drug test, clean criminal background, phyical capabilities, and that thing called an address.
Here is a mock resume of a homeless person and you be the judge if they will ever get a job.
Homeless Joe
Cardboard Box around the corner
just yell to contact
Objective: To become the richest man in the universe
Education: School and shit
Work Experience: Street corner management
Accomplishments: I once stopped a taxi with my body, I received hepititis
Community Service: I recycle cans
Yeah exactly, so there goes your, oh they should all just get jobs jargin. Maybe you should get a fucking job and see how much it sucks. However this blog has always been by the people and for the people so here are some suggestions for the homeless.
Learn a trick, skill, instrument, gesture, and or other entertaining routine. Like why haven't the homeless figured this out. I will gladly give them a quarter if they play drums of empty trashcans. Or juggle empty liquour bottles i mean come on! make yourself attractive to your clientele. Learn to sing, dance, punch yourself in the face, do whatever....just do something. I saw these homeless people in boston that were playing drums with sticks and made drums out of buckets and used hubcaps and they made more an hour than i do...seriously though. They had a bucket of money next to them...i basically wanted to throw my college degree in it. So anyways, do something, learn how to finger paint. Learn how to be a mime, thats easy enough right? Basically just learn anything that would make me feel like i wasn't buying you heroine everytime i toss you a coin.
Next suggestion... start walking south. Like why the fuck would you ever be homeless and living in Maine. Start walking bitch. Its called the appalachian trail. It goest to Georgia for a reason. The most annoying thing is when you hear about a bum that freezes to death. Its like dude, why didn't you start walking south in like...September. You would be passed out on a beach in florida while I freeze ass for 4 months. Even birds are like, fuck this shit and they fly south to avoid the shit fest that is a new england winter, why not take advice from birds. Even if you didnt' have a map you could just follow the birds. Or just walk away from the North Star. Yes, i just thought of that.
Last suggestion...Go to jail. Jail is like the best deal going. Free lodging, laundry, meals, work out facilities, 24 hour security, free utilities, free phone call, possesion storage, complimentary transportation, gated community. Just do some serious non-immoral crime and just wait for the cops to arrive. Walk into a bank claiming you have a gun and you want all their money, then just lay on the ground with your hands behind your head till the cops arrive. This shit is flawless. This will atleast get you 5-10 years in club fed. Upon release you won't be able to get a job but its not like you had one in the first place so you are straight. If things get ugly again just repeat the process.
The appilachian trail is like the underground railroad for the homeless.
posted by mcbride at 2:00 AM
1 comments
