Costco is my fucking jam

I have such a hard on for wholesale grocers. Seriously they are like the best thing on earth. Wholesale grocery stores for those who have not had the priveledge of being members, are grocery warehouses that store ridiculous amounts of select food/retail items that are bought in bulk. Instead of shipping to grocery stores they just sell the shit. Its fucking genious. Since my mom and I have been members to every wholesale grocer in the history of man I will take the time to rank them from best to worst and then give no reason why i did so.

1. Costco
2. BJ's
3. Pace


To make my story more credible like i give a fuck if you believe me, I am the highest level of membership that you can have at costco. I am an executive member. Second of all I want to explain that every good sold at costco comes with a lifetime warrenty no questions asked as long as you keep the recipt. (except for computers) I just bought a television from costco and when it burns out i will get another one and do so for the rest of my life and it will still cost me just my initial payment of 720 dollars. Here is why costco rocks my world. The sales associate actually told me that if i wanted to go home and throw my tv down a flight of stairs that it was ok and i could just bring the receipt tomorrow and get a new one. After the temptation wore off i thanked them for their reassurance and said that would not be necessary but thank you.

Insert radioshack like store price for tv limited warrenty
price: 720
I'll put the lifespan of the tv at 5 years so in 5 years i will be fucked without a tv


Insert costco television store price lifetime warrenty
price: 720
Costo has a lifetime warrenty so if i live to be 83 i will have gotten 12 -720 dollar televisions for the price of 720 dollars. Esentially I will never have to buy a television again....ever. I could get drunk right now and throw my fan through my television i'll be reembursed for both the tv and the fan because i bought them both at costco. I mean if you are drunk, isn't it nice to know that you have that security. My parents bought an AC from costco and they just keep getting new ones whenever they want cause thats the American way.

Everything in costco is in bulk. Costco is not for the faint in cupboard space. Nor are they for pussies that need bags to carry shit into their house. I once asked for a bag at costco and i was given a death stare by an employee and they had every right to do this cause i was being a pussy. Who needs bags when you can just get kids to carry in grocerys. If you dont have kids just illegally park really close to your apartment and unload them.

The best part about costco is that you really cant get one of anything. I bought 8 family size elbow macaroni packages that were considered 1 purchasable unit. I will be eating elbow macaroni for like 5 years but if i were to have 8 families, dinner would be completely taken care of and that is the costco way. Fact: My mom one time bought 96 hotdogs at once from costco and probably had no other choice. Its almost like costco is saying...trust us, even though you have an only child, 96 hotdogs will give you the reassurance that you are providing for him and that is the type of piece of mind that only costco can deliver. Is 24 jars of pickles really enough, better make it 1 pallet. The forklift will be out back to load your pickle pallet into your car. Only in costco could I buy a pallet of pickles and no one would even notice. If i were rich i would do this sheerly on priciple and being an idiot that was rich.




I have one of those 5 pound tubs of butter in my fridge, yes, 5 pounds of butter. Some random girl took a pic of this and put it on the internet thinking it was a big deal but she obviously isn't a regular shopper at costco.

I just got a brochure from costco in the mail and on the cover it shows a couple buying a tits load of beef jerkey and peanuts and they are smiling cause nutrition was like so 2003. This just in, Upon further review costco offers an UNCONDITIONAL guarentee of satisfaction. So if you are upset that your britta wont turn water into beer, you can just return it and costco will agree that it was worth a shot.

I bought a vacuum from costco and i am so carefree with it cause i know that nothing matters, i just suck up anything with complete disregard for the vacuums motor, bristles, and or practicality. Like i don't think you are getting this, this blog can be funny but serisouly, you need to get in on this whole costco thing, its seriously like the best deal going. Like they have a sweet deal going with American Express too, i just signed up for an amex card and the guy just said a bunch of big words and then just gave me like 30 dollars and a case of water for no reason. I still to this day don't understand the transaction but i realize now that it is cause he is a costco employee and he is on a whole nother level of inginuity and customer satisfaction.

Costco also has discounted gas cause they could give a flying fuck about the economy. In addition they have lifetime warentee on tires so you can just peel out of their parking lot after you get your ride a new pair of shoes and they are like "i'll give it a 7" They also do photos and a have an onsite pharmacy. They best is their produce department. You just run into a room that is below 40 degrees and pick out groceries as fast as you can causeing you to impulse buy. This is such a smart business strategy that i can't even get into it because even though I have a degree in management, I am not even close to that level of efficiency and profit gain.

This is how a transaction goes in the produce room.

ok, lettuce....hmmm. celery, tomatoes....aww fuck it its freezing strawberrys and peaches im out of here.

Basically its like that old show supermarket sweep. You just see some asshole running down the isle using his hand as a shovel and plowing produce into his cart in an effort to maintain his vital signs.

the moral of the story is sign up for a costco membership, even if you don't like it or use it, they will even reemburse you the cost of that.










Everyone that bought a BJ's membership is pissed that I didn't post this sooner.