How to be a pro at going to the bars, from a professional bartender

I consider my self an expert at everything that goes on infront and behind a bar. So i decided to write this to give people a clue about proper bar etiquette and some do's and don'ts about how to show everyone who really runs the bar.

Dress
It all starts with the dress, wear something that makes you noticable yet not too over the top or brightly colored. Guys: Avoid wearing colors like pink (unless you are at a gay bar.) Also do not pop your collar because that shows poor judgement on your part and i as a bartender, will assume that only people who are intoxicated are that much of an idiot to do that on purpose. Also wear a moderate amount of mild cologne or perfume.

Entrance
This myth is that you should make a grand entrance with buglers and elephants and people throwing confetti. People also claim that you should show up fashionably late. This too is bullshit. Here is my advice on enterence: Show up really early, like one of the first people there, get to know the bouncer, order a drink or two, talk with the bartender, share a few laughs, give the bartender a decent tip and tell them you will be back later. Then show up fashionably late, later on that evening, call the bouncer and bartender by name and act like you are a regular.

Getting a drink
Scope the scene first, is this a place that you are going to be for an hour or more? If not leave. Bar hopping is fun but not for a bar pro like you. This is your kinda place, you strut up to the bar and chances are the bartender will notice you first and maybe even remember what drink you ordered before. You call the bartender by name and share a laugh.

What to drink
Here are some suggestions on what to order.
1. scotch if a guy orders a scotch at a bar it is like he is saying "sorry ladies but this finely aged scotch is more complex than you but i'll give you a consolation fuck.

2. anything in a rocks glass If a guy sees a girl drinking anything in a rocks glass it usually mean thats she can have any man she wants

3. Guinness When ever i bartend and i serve a woman a guinness, i usually want to serve it with a side of wedding ring.....she is a keeper.

Drinks to stay away from

1. Girls, please stay away from stupid named drinks. "Hey bartender can i get 1 oatmeal cookie shot and a thin mint shot?" What the fuck am i, a girl scout? When you want to order a real shot we can talk.

2. Guys stop ordering long island iced teas. If you think you are so macho with your drink order take my advice. Try a bone dry tanquerray martini, then once it puts hair on your chest maybe girl won't laugh at you so much for being such a pussy.

3. White Russians. When a girl orders a white russian it is like she is admiting that she is poor white trash. No body orders these except people that find the humor in jeff foxworthy or people that will later in life join a rod and gun club. Just stop.


Tipping
This is a secret that few people know untill now, it works trust me. If you know that you will be in that same bar for like 2 hours do this. Get your first drink from the bartender that you are already on a first name basis with. Leave him a huge tip like 10-20 dollars and simply tell him that "I'll be here all night insert bartenders name" Only 1 person has ever done this to me. Lets just say that he drank almost for free all night, had priority over everyone else in the bar. I made up rediculous compliments to him infront of beautiful women. This guy knew exactly how to act at a bar. I even gave away free drinks to women and guys and said they were from him. By the end of the night he left with a hot asian flight stewartess that was in town for 1 night. He was every mans hero including mine. The best part is that most people give that much away in tips to the bartender anyways, the key is to pay upfront and recieve red carpet service all night. Do this and you will be an instant celebrity.

Leaving the bar
Believe it or not, now is the best time to buy a girl/guy a drink. Make sure to just order something neutral without them knowing then be standing right near her/him when it arrives to them. Tell them that you didn't want to leave tonight without buying the cutest girl/guy in the bar a drink. Then apologize that you can't stay longer. Say goodbye to your bartender and make a motion to leave. This is about the time when the person that you bought the drink for becomes intrigued as to who this good looking mystery person was that bought them a drink was. If you played your cards right all night you should be in mid conversation with the doorman on your way to leaving when the person comes and grabs you, they are so turned on right now. What type of person buys someone of the opposite sex a drink and then just smiles and walks away......a person that is going home with someone tonight because they read my webpage.