Daytime Television
This is an in-depth analysis of the trainwreck that is daytime television. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I really hope your life decisions have prevented you from being in front of a television from 9-5 during the week. The truth is that we all have all called in sick from work/skipped school/ done nothing with our lives in order to enjoy a day of irresponsibility governed by free will. However eventually you find yourself alone and bored with no one to turn to besides your TV. This is what your television has to offer you.
To be honest there are only really 5 types of programming that happen while the rest of the world is at work.
1. Commercials encouraging you to get your phones turned on again:
This commercial stars an overly excited black man who is marveling in the delight that he has mastered the mechanics of his phone. He beams with joy over the fact that he now hears the sweet, sweet sound of a dial tone at the other end. He is now confident that this feeling will now last until next month when they shut off his phone again for not paying for the service. Perhaps by then our hero will learn a valuable lesson about life….perhaps your phone was turned off because you have never once paid for the service, either that or it was turned off by the oppressors trying to hold you down. If nothing else stands out to you about this commercial, just notice that a phone number flashes across the screen encouraging people to call to have their phones turned on…..maybe its just me, but if your phones have been turned off, I don’t think you are making calls to anyone except by means of two Styrofoam cups and a string.
2. Commercials encouraging you to sue someone:
One thing I can’t stand is frivolous lawsuits. Even if I’m not involved I still get upset. Like the lady that sued McDonald’s over spilling hot coffee on herself. If I were McDonald’s I would have just settled the case out of court; perhaps in an unlit parking lot with a baseball bat. But to the rest of the daytime TV audience, lawsuits are their opportunity to get off their couch, hit it rich, and get back on a nicer new couch. There is always some Italian guy that comes on and is like, "Yo this is Anthony Marconi, from Marconi and Capone Law firm. Has some knucklehead done you wrong, well we are here to make sure we teach him a lesson he ain’t neva gunna forget. Call us."
3. Courtroom proceedings by popular television judges:
This would consist of TV shows like Judge Judy or Joe Brown. I think they even have a fashion court show but im not sure if the guy is a real judge, in fact I don’t think he has any credentials to judge fashion other than the fact that he is unmistakably gay. Therefor I suppose he has proper credentials. However the courtroom drama in the real judge judy or joe brown’s courtroom usually plays out like this. Poor white trash argue about the rightful owner of uncle cyde’s orange couch for about a half hour untill the judge tells them that they suck at life and to go home. Then the defendants try to make rebuttals followed by judge judy telling them that she won’t hear another word of it. Then the show ends and is followed by commercials. (see above)
4. The Price is Right:
Currently forensic scientists are hard at work trying to prove that Bob Barker is in fact older than dinosaurs. But in the meantime he just stands on a stage, molests his staff, and blames senility. Most contestant’s struggle pricing widely used items such as soap in an effort to gain more plinko chips. However the best part of the show is when some asshole bids 1 dollar over the next bid basically saying. "you can go fuck yourself" Then the victim usually looks over towards the higher bidder and gives them a glare that can only mean one thing….. "After the show I am going to punch your youngest daughter"
5. Soap Operas:
I have decided to make a list of qualities and traits that a soap opera must possess for it to sell.
A. Everyone is a doctor or lawyer because that is how the real world is, however they can never actually be at work.
B. They all must have trendy names like Skyler, Dillon, Tatiana, or Mercede.
C. There has to be an aunt that is really a witch
D. There needs to be a little girl or boy that is used as a pawn by the divorced couple. The child must also look terrified in every episode and at all times.
E. The cast needs to stare at each other way too long during cut-scenes and before commercial breaks to increase drama and/or awkwardness.
F. All the women must fight over the same dick.
G. There has to be an insightful grandmother that really is sleeping with her daughter’s fiancé.
H. It must take place in one of two places: Malibu or Orange County
I. Frivolous details such as laws, ethics, morals, reasonability, and general common sense are unimportant.
On second thought, virtually no thinking goes into creating soap operas.
To be honest there are only really 5 types of programming that happen while the rest of the world is at work.
1. Commercials encouraging you to get your phones turned on again:
This commercial stars an overly excited black man who is marveling in the delight that he has mastered the mechanics of his phone. He beams with joy over the fact that he now hears the sweet, sweet sound of a dial tone at the other end. He is now confident that this feeling will now last until next month when they shut off his phone again for not paying for the service. Perhaps by then our hero will learn a valuable lesson about life….perhaps your phone was turned off because you have never once paid for the service, either that or it was turned off by the oppressors trying to hold you down. If nothing else stands out to you about this commercial, just notice that a phone number flashes across the screen encouraging people to call to have their phones turned on…..maybe its just me, but if your phones have been turned off, I don’t think you are making calls to anyone except by means of two Styrofoam cups and a string.
2. Commercials encouraging you to sue someone:
One thing I can’t stand is frivolous lawsuits. Even if I’m not involved I still get upset. Like the lady that sued McDonald’s over spilling hot coffee on herself. If I were McDonald’s I would have just settled the case out of court; perhaps in an unlit parking lot with a baseball bat. But to the rest of the daytime TV audience, lawsuits are their opportunity to get off their couch, hit it rich, and get back on a nicer new couch. There is always some Italian guy that comes on and is like, "Yo this is Anthony Marconi, from Marconi and Capone Law firm. Has some knucklehead done you wrong, well we are here to make sure we teach him a lesson he ain’t neva gunna forget. Call us."
3. Courtroom proceedings by popular television judges:
This would consist of TV shows like Judge Judy or Joe Brown. I think they even have a fashion court show but im not sure if the guy is a real judge, in fact I don’t think he has any credentials to judge fashion other than the fact that he is unmistakably gay. Therefor I suppose he has proper credentials. However the courtroom drama in the real judge judy or joe brown’s courtroom usually plays out like this. Poor white trash argue about the rightful owner of uncle cyde’s orange couch for about a half hour untill the judge tells them that they suck at life and to go home. Then the defendants try to make rebuttals followed by judge judy telling them that she won’t hear another word of it. Then the show ends and is followed by commercials. (see above)
4. The Price is Right:
Currently forensic scientists are hard at work trying to prove that Bob Barker is in fact older than dinosaurs. But in the meantime he just stands on a stage, molests his staff, and blames senility. Most contestant’s struggle pricing widely used items such as soap in an effort to gain more plinko chips. However the best part of the show is when some asshole bids 1 dollar over the next bid basically saying. "you can go fuck yourself" Then the victim usually looks over towards the higher bidder and gives them a glare that can only mean one thing….. "After the show I am going to punch your youngest daughter"
5. Soap Operas:
I have decided to make a list of qualities and traits that a soap opera must possess for it to sell.
A. Everyone is a doctor or lawyer because that is how the real world is, however they can never actually be at work.
B. They all must have trendy names like Skyler, Dillon, Tatiana, or Mercede.
C. There has to be an aunt that is really a witch
D. There needs to be a little girl or boy that is used as a pawn by the divorced couple. The child must also look terrified in every episode and at all times.
E. The cast needs to stare at each other way too long during cut-scenes and before commercial breaks to increase drama and/or awkwardness.
F. All the women must fight over the same dick.
G. There has to be an insightful grandmother that really is sleeping with her daughter’s fiancé.
H. It must take place in one of two places: Malibu or Orange County
I. Frivolous details such as laws, ethics, morals, reasonability, and general common sense are unimportant.
On second thought, virtually no thinking goes into creating soap operas.
posted by mcbride at 5:54 PM
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