The Essence of a Man

Honestly, what idiot actress doesn’t think she can sing. Just cause you can act doesn’t mean that you have the voice of an angel. It’s even better when rap stars will suddenly realize that they are fashion designers and come out with a new line and market it to illiterates in the south. Why do people think that they can just do everything well. I feel like if there is an opportunity to plug any product with a popular face it has already been done. But I mean celebrity colognes have to be the ultimate in unnecessary attempts to diversify a persons stock. I mean I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to smell like Antonio Banderas. Yeah make that positive. Plus these celebrity colognes use words like "the essence of Brittney Spears" What the fuck is her essence? Either that or they crush up pearls and put them in the bottom and it does nothing for the scent but makes the price skyrocket. I decided to come up with a cologne of my own. Its called:

MAN

Here is the list of smells that it would consist of:

Meat
Strip club on a Friday night
Motor oil
Paper Money
Beer
Stale cigarettes
Leather
Gasoline
Sweat
Naked lady air freshener
Dirt
Rusty metal
Campfire
Sun tan oil
Grass clippings
Wet dog
Gun powder
Old boots


The bottle would look like a beer bottle and each bottle would have had a lit cigarette put out inside of the cologne so it would look like the empty beer bottles you find after a party the next morning where people used them as ashtrays. I strongly believe that it would add to the "essence" I would also blare guns and roses in the storage room before the cologne got shipped out just to give the cologne more attitude. I would also test the product on animals cause animals smell bad anyways so I guess maybe it would be doing them a favor so maybe PETA would cut me some slack. However they probably would be pissed that I added both leather and meat to the cologne. The bottle would come in a flannel plaid bag. It may also have wood paneling for no reason on it. On the bottle I would just have a picture of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. Basically it would probably compete for market share with Stetson cologne. I would include shaving gel and by shaving gel I mean nothing cause full beards are so in right now and giving away free shit isn’t profitable and would taint the prestige of my brand. Women would be so attracted to the scent that you would need to carry around a crowbar to pry them off you.




Lumberjacks, cowboys, and alligator wresters would wear "MAN" cologne.