Turning Over A Whole Pile Of Leaves

Its that time of the year again, time to turn over a new leaf, i knew that i had to update the blog and at first i was like oh i should write a bunch of stuff dealing with the recent tragedies in the southeast pacific but then i got to thinking that i think the lessons learned are pretty self-evident. Not worth writing about in the sense that i dont think i could ever really relate or shed any hope that you couldn't just learn from previous blogs http://ryanmcbride.blogspot.com/2004/12/encore-presentation.html
So i decided that i would skip the topic all together knowing that nothing i could do or say would really change much. So i got back to reflecting back on my life, real far back. I decided that it would make for a good blog entry if i shared some of my childhood memories and stories with you.

The day the kitchen table drank my apple juice: I must have been about 5 maybe younger. It was dinner time and my mom and I were eating at the dinner table. If you are a faithful reader of this page you will remember from my previous blogs that our dinner table was an oversized electrical spool with a table cloth over it. It served its pupose except for the fact that it had a large hole in the top of it where the electrical cable went through. This hole would frequently consume dinner items when people would try to pass them to another person. Forks, Knives, cups, glasswear, dinner rolls, ect. It was actually kind of funny. So one day i put my cup of apple juice down and it fell through the hole spilling everywhere, i got a new glass and didn't tell anyone cause getting in trouble sucks. I didn't finish the new glass and just left the half full cup on the table and went to bed. I woke up the next morning walked over and took a swig from the cup and spit it all over the place. I just drank ants. I was going to start crying like a pussy and let my mom handle this but instead i manned up and defended the house from the invaders. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed a rolling pin. These ants knew they messed with the wrong house when i came out and steamrolled all them with my rolling pin. The rest that escaped i made sure to....oh wait, non of them escaped, and i drank their friends. When the massacre was over i put the rolling pin back into the drawer cause washing dishes sucks.

The dare: We used to have this old busted ass shed when i was little, basically it was wasp nest cause the wasp spray was in the shed and the wasps guarded the shed. Yeah...poor planning on our part. Anyways me and my friend were playing around with the wasps behind the shed when he dared me to pee behind the shed. Everyone knows that you have to take a dare like that, plus i wanted to intimidate the wasps and reclaim our terriotory. So i told him that i would do it if he would so i start peeing all over the shed and suddently out of the corner of my eye i just see the kid pull down his pants all the way and start squatting. Wow strong move! But completely uncalled for at the same time. I wasn't having it so i zipped my fly and ran inside and told on him. Both our moms came out to see the mess and he got blammed for everything. I never hung out with him again.

Target practice: It was summer time and really hot out and since i didn't really have a pool i needed some way to cool down. I could have just used my friends pool like i always did but one problem. My friend was at my house and my mom was babysitting him. We had an idea. We would take turns spraying each other with the hose. It seemed pretty good and was fun for a little bit. I aimed for his face but denied doing so. So after that got boring we had another genius idea. We took the garden house into the house. Put the spray nozzle on it and started blasting down all of my family pictures. It was awesome, it was like target practice. When all the pictures were knocked down the living room was soaked from ceiling to floor, all the furnature and everything else. When my mom heard all the banging she ran upstairs but it was too late. She just looked at us and i knew she meant business and by business i mean adoption. I really don't remember much after this cause i was traumatized with fear.

Cowboys and idiots: When we were like 11 we were really into bee-bee guns and fireworks like most 11 year olds were except it was just us. Yeah we were pretty bad kids. We used to have teams. Some teams had bee-bee guns, tennis balls, fireworks, oh yeah and most of us carried pocket knives for when we had "hostiges" we could intimidate them with them. I remember i got captured once and the kid held the knife to my throat and told me that he was going to kill me. He was just joking so this was ok and normal....(this kid later in life kicked out a cop car's window and escaped custody) yeah so i mean i was pretty scared but i was unharmed. Anyways back to the "game" I remember we used to just try to hurt each other. Don't get me wrong i was a decent kid and none of these games were my idea but i mean when you are younger you just want to fit in somewhere, this was that somewhere i guess. These were the same kids that dug holes and made traps for other people to fall in. To them, this was funny. I was basically just scared for my life every time i hung out with them which was everyday. It makes me think, how do 11 year olds get fireworks? Aren't they illegal in CT? I dunno but i remember one kid got hit in the chest with a ball from a roman candle and got 2nd degree burns. So as you can imagine this is the list of possible futures that my friends had going for them: gang, jail, pregnant, drug dealer, dead. Fortunatly most of them cleaned up their acts and pursued sports cause all of them were incredible athletes. I mean when you are being chased by people with fireworks and knives you tend to run and jump pretty well.

Cliff Diving: One good thing about living where i grew up was that there were lots of hills nearby to sled on. But lets be honest, going down and walking back up gets boring after a little while. Especially to my friends so we went to this hill where at the end of it was a cliff that was probably about 25 feet tall and at the bottom was jagged rocks and death. The game was see who could get bail from their sled the closest to the edge without going over. This again was "fun" to them. Come to think of it this was their idea of fun

MY FRIENDS' IDEA OF FUN = cheating death, making people scared, posessing deadly weapons, fireworks, bike jumps, swimming in rapids, teasing angry dogs/and or bees hives, renting R rated horror movies and then scaring people while they slept afterwards, peeing on everything, tying people to trees and calling their parents to come pick them up, hitchiking, building forts in the woods, making huge snowballs and pushing them onto roads so traffic gets backed up, ringing people's doorbells and running, playing tackle football, making fun of girls, pulling peoples pants down, hiking without maps, double bouncing people off trampolines, and basically anything else that was regressive to the human race.

Before i end this one i wan't to say that i really had nothing to do with most of the bad things that i have been a part of. Just guilty by association i guess, but then again, i was back again the next day doing the same bad stuff. I'd like to think that i learned a lot of lessons from my childhood on how not to do things. I have always been told that its only a mistake if you don't learn from it. I'm just glad i've changed. I guess thats my new years resolution...just to be a work in progress all the time, be content with the idea that i can improve. You can't erase your past, the best that you can hope for is that God gives you the gift of tomorrow so that way you can fix it and make things right again. My other new years resolution is to be more thankful for gifts like that, the gift of yesterday, today, and the hope for a better tomorrow. That and escecially to be grateful for the gift of forgiveness.....God knows i need it!

TO BE CONTINUED...

"On Guard Until Seal Is Broken"

"On Guard Until Seal Is Broken" is the motto of Jack Daniels himself in regards to his fine Tennese Whiskey, Old Number 7 brand. The one that you are most familiar with. Oh wait, here is another motto of the distillary, as read from the bottle: Whiskey made as our fathers made it for 7 generations. Keep this propaganda in mind and here my story. So i was home on break just hanging out downstairs at my bar watching the Giants/team that beat the Giants game when i realized that i needed a drink. I walked over to my bar and grabbed the jack bottle and took a swig. Hmmm....what is wrong with it. It tastes different. I jump to conclusions and decide that my friends that were over from thanksgiving must have drank it and added water to it to cover up their tracks. Unbelieveable. I was pissed. I let it slide and moved on to Southern Comfort. Days went by. I eventually forgot about the watered down Whiskey episode. Not sure what made me open up last weeks "Parade Magazine" probably out of certain convineince(p.s. i dont care if i spelled convinience wrong, spelling sucks) and opened it up flipping through the pages looking to waste atleast 5 min of my boring break. I see a pic of a bottle of jack in the magazine. I read. I am now in disgust. Aparently the distillery made an executive decision a little while ago to lower the proof from 86 proof down to a more standardized and marketable 80 proof alcohol. I am now convinced jack daniel's is rolling in his grave and my friend meaney is swan diving out his window in disgust. Sorry bro. Honestly. Anyways, the thing that shocked me was that i could actually decifer 6 proof which actually turns out to be a 3% alcohol content drop. That takes skill.....or alcholism...but im shooting for option 1. Basically nothing good can come out of this web entry except for the fact that you have all been made aware of Jack Daniel's Propaganda. I have my propaganda page, they have their propaganda bottle....oh wait i have my page and their b0ttle....haha, i've been drinking jack daniels!....and i can still taste the difference.


people read my website cause it has a high alcohol content

Why Even Bother?

Its unbelieveable to think that there is a place on the internet for this garbage, these aren't even thoughts, like the only thing that i applaud is the fact that they haven't gotten bored with their lives yet. See i was wondering about how well my blog stacked up compared to others so i decided to hit the "next blog" button in the upper right hand corner of the page. This is what i had to greet me. Just remember, i didn't write this. These are actually blog entries from other people. Underneath is my responses to them.


"have you ever noticed
that my blog posts come in bursts? none for a while, then a whole lot? i was going to comment on something that just popped into my head, but i forgot what it was, so.. aloha!"
posted by ------

Me--Oh, it probably means that it isn't important, kind of like your blog.

"there isn't enough
bloogety in the world, so be like me and do your part to help spread the bloogety!"
posted by ------

Me--You're right, i love bloogs!

"for the first time i commented on a comment!!i'm turning over a new leaf! and it's not even january 1st yet :-P"

Me--You're "audience" must be thrilled to have such a close connection with the author of such a masterpiece of trash.

I went through like 20 pages and found none that interested me what so ever. At that rate in 10,000 years i will have found this many blogs that interest me= zero. No wonder you read my page, thanks.

Guys ARE sensitive.

Look everyone knows that it is a well-known fact that women outlive men by at least a few years. I think I can explain why. Don’t even start with scientific explanations, fuck science, science can only do what people can do and that has never been a whole lot or meant a whole lot to me. Here is my non-scientific explanation of why I feel men die at a younger age than their female counterparts. To me it’s quite simple. It has to do with emotional strength and sensitivity. Congrats, I just lost half of you….stay with me. Look I hate the rep that guys get for being insensitive. Just cause I don’t burst into tears after hitting a squirrel with my car doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings. Just cause I don’t get all warm inside after the grinch saves Christmas is no reason for anyone to think that I don’t have a heart. So here is my train of thought. Guys really are sensitive, they just have a hard time of showing it and they prioritize their sensitivity. It’s almost like a defense mechanism you could say. I have come to think that perhaps women are more adapt to survival than men. They don’t put up defense mechanisms like guys do, they don’t shy away from commitment, and most don’t hold back feelings or run away from their problems. And when women get hurt they cry and deal with it, no denial, no excuses, just ice cream and lifetime movies. So I’m guessing that men probably need women a lot more than women need men. Correction. I’m not guessing. Look ladies, don’t expect a guy to spill his heart to you until its too late, don’t expect a guy to tell you that he loves you till you are tapping your foot at the dinner table during your anniversary. I’m not saying all guys are like this. I’m just throwing this out there to make you realize that in a way we are our own worst enemies when it comes to you. And we defiantly need you more than we like to admit. And I defiantly feel that at the heart of every strong family is a strong woman, hopefully standing next to an equally strong man or at least a man that is man enough to admit that his wife is a stronger person than he is. I think that is why when a significant other dies; women become widows and men become alcoholics. Women can just deal with loss a whole lot better. I think that is why men die sooner. It’s God’s way of protecting men from ever having to bear the responsibility of burying our wives; knowing that in a sense, a huge part of us dies with them. Knowing that we just don’t know how to deal with that kind of emotion. Men can skin their knee and laugh about it, pull out splinters with their teeth but I can’t even imagine how much this would hurt. So this is what I promise you. If I am so blessed to have 50, 60 years of marriage with the woman of my dreams, and if one day I wake up next to her and she has passed away…..I can tell you this….that will be the day that I’ll die of a broken heart and be buried right next to her. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Happy Holidays!!!

College Playground

You know what i miss the most from when i was a kid.....recess! I remeber just running and playing on the playground right after lunch. It was truly the best part of the day. I remember once i was playing fore-square and some kid cut me in line and then threw the ball at me. So i went to hand him the ball and by hand him i mean give him a clenched hand to his face. I remember that all the punishment i got was to sit on "the wall" until recess was over. Today i mean i would be gettting arrested, have to go to court, pay fines, possible jail time....ect. So it makes sense as to why college wouldn't have recess or even a playground because honestly i think its more dangerous for college kids to be around monkey bars and slides then it is for little kids. Here is why. Alcohol. Simple really....to many drunk people would be peeing down the slide, doing backflips onto their faces, falling off the jungle gym, breaking their ankles launching themselves off the swings and other stupid shit that colllege kids would do if they were presented with a playground. I really think that it would be such a liability. This idea that its safer for little kids makes absolutely no sense however it makes all the sense in the world if you can think of a friend that you know would pound a 5th of jack, put on a cape, and swan dive off the monkeybars. And the sandbox, forget it! Every day their would just be a big sandy sculpture of a dick waiting to greet you to the playground. Seriously......college kids can't do anything right.

Amazing Results In Just 5 Minutes A Day!

It has always amazed me how many people suddenly become so frustrated when they don't recieve instant results after praying. Look im sorry you didn't get that pony you asked for last christmas or that those scratch tickets you bought weren't winners. Im sorry that grandma and grandpa whatever wont live to be 150 and that your dog alphie decided to chase a car head on. But when people just use prayer for their own selfish needs and wants; or use prayer as a last resort.....what do you expect. Is it only at times of your greatest need will you ask for help. When was the last time you gave thanks for all your blessings. When was the last time you prayed for your enemies like you are supposed to......yeah...thats what i figured. So honestly what obligation does God have to you? What have you done for him lately? When was the last time you dragged your hungover ass out of bed at 8:30 AM Sunday morning just to say "hey God, thanks for everything and oh by the way, sorry for getting hammered last night and drunk dialing strangers, it probably won't happen again and if it does, im sorry in advance." See.....praying is not really that hard, watch.....

Good prayer = (saying sorry for doing messed up stuff + being thankful for what you have - ulterior motives + asking for help) x sincerity

Just remember, God answers every prayer....even if the answer is no.

How To Make This The Best Christmas Ever

I figured it out. This idea is perfect. Take the paycheck that you would use to buy your friends ugly sweaters and give the money to a poor family that can't even afford oil to heat their house this winter. Or they can use the money to put presents under the tree for the first time....or even just afford to get a tree and decorations. The best part is that i am actually donating my paycheck to do this. So when you all recieve homemade holiday cards, you will know that it's because i am making sure that some family is having the best Christmas ever.

Here On Out

It's that time of the year!...no i don't mean finals, i mean that time when the focus of this page shifts from making fun of annoying girls to some more meaningful topics. If you don't respect me for this, you probably never were my friend. I have always made it a point no matter how shitty my life was to make others better. Isn't that what this is all about. Fuck, these are just words people, its up to you to live this out. It's going to be serious for a while, sorry if like i said you just come to see me make fun of kids that like scuba diving. Deal with it. This happens every year. I got better shit to do. From here on out till i feel i can relax cause im pushing the change that i made this website for. I could entertain you guys for days, you know this. Im not an entertainer. Im here to make a difference in your life; make the difference that you have always agreed with; The difference that you haven't had the balls to make. Im going to ride you to the end on this. Like i said before, blood, sweat, and tears. Its the holidays you guys. Time to anti up. If you think holidays are a time for presents don't read my shit. Its a time for giving....all you can afford, physically, emotionally, and financially. If you think otherwise....like i said, switch to another site. I'll be back to silly shit soon enough but this is not the time of the year. This is the time to anti-up. See what you are made of....c'mon impress me. Believe me, my best articles have come from times like these. Later-mcbride

A Lesson Before Dying

Look suicide is no laughing matter, no matter what other websites say. I decided to put together a list of things to do if you really think that your life is meaningless. I know that this entry is really deep and is about a really touchy subject. Its not like i dont know what im getting myself into with this one. But when have i ever held back what i felt. If you guessed never...you win. Anyways i decided that i would put together a list of things that i want people to do before they have thoughts about ending their lives. Follow me with this one. You will see where this is going at the end. I have lost friends to suicide, its no fun, no laughing matter, no picnic, and still hurts. Maybe i should have wrote this earlier. So all of you who have given up hope, who feel like you are worth more dead than alive, for all of you who feel meaningless and unloved....this one is for you. Look if you are reading this it means that you believe in me and im the type to believe in you so this is what i am proposing to you and to others who just can't handle the curveballs that life is throwing them. If you think i started this blog to make fun of nascar and people with pink shirts you are gravely mistaken....i wrote this to change people, to defer people from themselves and their actions. Im not perfect nor do i claim to be however i'll get to the point soon. I want you to realize how precious life is, how precious your life is and the opportunity you are turning up. Here is a list of things to do before you decide to end it.

-spend a day in a children's hospital brightening kids days up, no matter how few days they may have left.
-leave roses and a flag on a vetrans grave acknowleging the service they made for their country.
-Tell someone you love them...and mean it.
-Put your feelings on paper for all to see
-Hold a newborn infant in your arms
-Sell everything you own and give it to charity. If you are willing to give up your body, you should be willing to give up your possesions.
-Spend your holidays with those who do not have family or food.
-Give a homeless person your jacket if they are cold, no questions asked, just smile and know that you are blessed.
-Walk an old lady across the street
-Watch a children's Christmas play no matter how many times the cows fight with Jesus...haha
-Drop your wallet in the salvation army collection pot on your way out of the mall
-Sit down and think sad thoughts till you cry, then think happy thoughts till you cry even harder
-Learn astronomy till the point where science can no longer explain the heavens
-Love someone more than you love yourself
-Mentor a child
-Save a puppy from being put down
-Attend an Easter Day Church Service
-Live unselfishly, if you feel like you have nothing left, then give everything till your last breath to someone esle
-Teach a child about hope
-Start an afterschool program
-Give blood till the point where you pass out
-Ask God forgiveness for your sins, you aren't perfect, be he never held this against you
-Hug your mother goodbye and cry in her arms like you wish you could bring yourself to do again
-Pray for your enemies
-Apologize to everyone that you have hurt in your life
-Be the change you want to see in the world
-watch a sunrise, then a sunset
-cry in your best friends arms
-cry in a strangers arms
-join the peace corps and help those not as fortunate as you
-start a food drive and feed the children who's stomachs are bloated yet haven't eaten in days
-make an effort to stop a war that you don't belive in
-cry when you write a blog that you wish everyone felt the same way about.


All im saying is that if you do this....all of this. I promise you that you have lived a more impressive life than anyone i know. You will truly realize how precious your life is... how great your gift is. Other people need your gift. If you are willing just to fold on this opportunity, you are killing others who wish they had the chance at whatever you neglect. I hope you all see this. Its not what you feel you are worth.......It's what you are worth to others. Believe me, your soul is worth more than all the riches this world has to offer. Give till you can't give no more, then die knowing that god has no more tasks for you. That has always been my philosphy.
-

Encore Presentation

Why bad things happen to good people: I did a ton of thinking on this issue, im sure we all have, this is what i came up with: When bad things like disease or tragedy happens to a good person, others are faced with the oportunity to go above and beyond what they normally would to help or even save this person. An otherwise ordinary person is changed into a volunteer with a heart of gold. Suddenly money turns back into paper and time turns back into moments. Communities unite and people work together. In the midst of tragedy some of the most humane and unselfish acts humanly possible take place. A hero is no longer a comic book figure, but the guy that donated his kidney so that a little girl could live. Its like the world reverts back to how God intended it to be. Bad things happen to good people so that other good people will be born out the negative situation and for one brief moment...they will be someones angel.

Accomplishments

I keep getting bombarded with these stupid ass Coors Light- "here's to accomplishments" commercials. You know the one where some slightly overweight average looking white guy's say stupid shit like "i have once........insert unimpressive "accomplishment" I mean shit, do i have to write commercials for everyone? (see IBM-whats marketing) anyways these commercials just make me feel like drinking bud light and setting some real accomplishments. Either that or they make me feel like punching pete coors in the face, dude, i dont give a shit that your beer is transported in an icey cold train.....congrats....who the fuck uses trains anyways? Whatever so this is the commercial i would make if i were describing my own "accomplishments" P.S. sadly, these are all true, but it makes for a good web entry.

Setting: Me drinking a beer while in the back ground hot girls are holding up my friends while they are doing keg stands

" I have dated a porn star's, cousin's, sister"
" I have taken a shower...... with dirty dishes"
" I have shown my tits on bourbon street..... and had girls throw me beads"
" I have wiped up a spill..... with my dogs tail"
" I have snowboarded..... down a staircase"
" I have flown a kite......near power lines"
" I have peed in a sink......because both stalls were taken"
" I have dressed up as my friend for halloween.....and tried hitting on his girlfriend"
" I have invited police officers to party with me"
" I have ran back into a building during a fire alarm.....to save a pizza"
" I have skateboarded......on a national monument"
" I have spoken Japanese to a Chinese girl.....and confused the shit out of her."
" I have broken into my best friend's house........to play his Nintendo."
" I have had to define the term "blackness"......to a group full of militant black students."
" I have waited 30 min in a line for the bathroom.....just to realize that it was the line to the womens bathroom"
" I have smoked a cigarette, drank coffee, proofread and essay, and eaten a breakfast sandwich at the same time.....while driving....a standard."
" I have been been served pancakes by a southern black woman......that looked like Aunt Jemima"
" I have thrown a 2 keg party......in my dormroom"
" I have knocked out my best friend.....to prevent him from getting alcohol poisoning"

Budlight......Here is to accomplishments, you wish you could forget.

Pussies Think Soccer is for Pussies

It always baffled me when these pseudo tough football players covered in pads would call our high school soccer team pussies. How could you ever call soccer a pussy sport. And don't even give me that "oh there is no tackling though" bullshit. Hey asshole there is tons of tackling, its called slide tackling, you know the kind from behind with cleats that clip your ankles when you are running full speed but atleast you have pads on, oh wait, no you dont, you just skin your entire leg and face off. Its also a great feeling when you are going up for a head ball and you slam heads and then the other person comes down on top of you with their cleats on your ankle. Or maybe the getting cleated in the face when one person tries to kick the ball and you go for a diving header. Oh on the topic of heading a soccer ball....a well struck soccer ball travels at a velocity of 70 mph and yes as a soccer player, i want that to hit me in my head, please. Infact i willingly do this and fight other people out of the way so that i can be the first for this to fucking drill me. That is my goal. Either that or i love taking it right in the chest or my crotch cause i am a real man, not a pussy football player that showers with his teamates and takes cortisone shots to numb the pain. The only shots soccer players take are from a bars (see Irish national soccer team) It can't be a pussy sport if when you mess up you are killed (see columbian defenseman, world cup 1994) Although the intents of repeated blows to the head in soccer and boxing differ, some researchers suggest the collective effect of soccer heading may be similar to years of boxing. I haven't heard any football players call Mike Tyson a pussy lately.....have you? Yeah, you should probably just shut your mouths and put back on those pads, i wouldn't want you to get hurt.

"It's a Wonderful Life" was a better movie than you thought.

Its that time of the year again, no im not talking about finals, im talking about the holiday season. Its unbelieveable how modern christmas movies all focus on all the materialistic bullshit and little kids opening presents. Its like when i am done watching them i want to go shopping....what the fuck is that? Christmas for some people has nothing to do with santa claus and infact it is a time of trials and tribulations, heartache, depression, and overcoming obstacles armed only with hope. This is what the movie "Its a Wonderful Life" is all about. This isn't a movie review because i hope you all have seen the movie. This is a list of all of the things that standout about this movie.

-kids falling through the ice
-little girls calling each other easy
-grumpy old men poisoning children
-little kids pushing old people
-old men slapping little kids in the ear
-people throwing rocks through windows
-naked women hidding in the bushes
-people getting married without parental consent
-airplanes getting shot down
-girls smashing musical records into pieces
-mother's listening in on their daughters phone conversations
-a run on the bank
-people jumping off bridges
-drunk driving accidents
-people getting thrown out of bars
-an angel ordering a drink at a bar
-a person punching a cop in face
-a cemetery
-a bar fight
-a cop shooting an unarmed bystandards
-an angel biting a police officer's arm
-Jimmy Stewart
-parents yelling at their kids till they cry
-boarding houses
-questionable accounting practices
-strip clubs


If your favorite movie is missing these things then you are watching the wrong christmas movie pal. Im not even lying, watch the movie and i dare you to call me out on any of these that you think weren't a part of this movie. The beautiful thing about this movie is with all the bad stuff that happens throughout the movie in the end it is "George Bailey's" friends that come to his rescue and pool together what little money they have to help him financially because he always was unselfish and did whatever he could for them. This movie is all about what Christmas is supposed to be about: giving, sharing, realizing your flaws, praying, forgiveness, friends, love, and coming together in times of need. Not bargain shopping and sitting on a fat old guys lap and telling him what you desire- no offense santa