There Is A Reason I Called The Page "Propaganda"

Earlier this week, my page recorded its 5000th hit. I could have never really imagineed this page being anything other than a way for me to vent out my frustrations with the world. I really thought that this page would consist of me typing to myself in an effort to prevent myself from acting out bad thoughts. I never once thought that i would really have an audience or that people would even care what i had to say. It's been the complete opposite, people compliment this blog all the time but i mean is it just cause it makes you laugh, or is it the message? I decided that i would run down a brief summary of my blog to date. Here is a great opportunity for you (the reader) to take note of my viewpoints and apply them to life. Don't have your own opinion on anything, just borrow mine



Things i have praised with this website:

Alcohol
Pat Tillman
Smelling like a man
God
Canadian Lumberjacks
chainsaws
skateboard shoes
Jesus
Guns and Roses
1-800-dial bud
black people
going to church
Truck drivers
Dave Thomas -Wendy's
The Hartford Whalers (Bring back the whalers!)
The Gideons
Rocky IV
Raising your kids lower-middle class
bartenders
Cartoons
Where's Waldo
Men
The A-Team
John Walsh
My swingset
Real men that know how to treat a woman
praying daily
My childhood
Giving to charity
soccer
The movie "Its a Wonderful Life"
skateboarding
Manliness
Doing favors for people
Miami Vice
My friends
People that support this page.




Things that i have unmercifly made fun of:

Toby Maguire
Homoerotic football players at a charity event
Soap operas
people that complain about gas prices
Daily planners
My marketing 301 class
McDonalds
Coca Cola
Corporate advertising
Ryan Seacrest
Metrosexuals
Girls
Guys that wear pink shirts
People that pop their collar
Online degrees
The Weather Channel
IBM
Nascar and its fans
cell phones
Rich People
Scuba diving
Power crystals
Fat girls that drink smoothies
Tourtured artist goths
spelling
Algebra
Ron Roberto spiced rum
insomniacs
Hippies
Transexuals
People that own swimming pools
Onstar
California
Abercrombie
Starbucks
Shaha (at umass)
The cocky asian cellphone salesperson at the mall
People who are asking for disorders
People who think the "Freedom Tower" in NYC at ground zero is a good idea
Sweaty guys that frequent the gym
The Daily Collegian (umass paper)
Women that are too pussy to take a chance on a guy and get upset when a guy wont take a chance on them and can't figure out why.
Indecisive women (more commenly known as all women)
Crossword puzzles
The Iraqi situation
myself
Fat people that take the closest parking spots at the mall
People who ride their bikes in the street and think that i won't fucking hit them
Harry Potter
Foreign students that can't speak english and get better grades then me in english class.
Meaningless business terms
Electoral College
People that write blogs that aren't as good as mine
Panera Bread
Valentines Day
People that make computer viruses
Reality TV shows
People that pound gallons of horse semen in order to win 50,000 dollars on fear factor.
Calculus
People that try to find their personality type by taking an online test.




You can just print this out and carry it with you everywhere and proudly show off your opinions on everything. Thanks for the support everyone.

This Explains Everything About Me

Bacardi 151 Congratulations! You're 144 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (100), and liquor (130).

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 81% on proof http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 87% on beer index http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 95% on wine index http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 99% on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Celebrity Death Match

As the world turns at an alarming rate, many things are left to question....what is the meaning of life, how did the dinosaurs become extinct, what is the missing link. Its a good thing that its a friday and i don't want to figure any of that shit out or even make an effort to. Nope, today i want to focus on more shallow issues of equal importance. It's a question that has baffled the top scientists and drunken college students alike. Who could Toby Maguire beat up? This has been a topic of discussion for a while because of the sheer thought that has to go into selecting someone of that physical misfortune to be deemed a worthy selection. Im going to make this an interactive blog. Post your comments and picks or suggestions of other canidates not mentioned. Here are the rules to the game. They have to be male and celebrities of some sort. They can't be handicapped and they have to be around the same age as Toby Maguire. Here is some more info about our hero.

For those of you that don't know Toby Maguire played as spiderman and the pussiest jockey ever in Seabuscuit.

His mom and dad divorced right when he was born. Insiders close to the family claim it was because they were embarassed by their son.

His real name is Tobias

He has a 9th grade high school education. This is directly due to the fact that his mom took him out of school because he spent more time shoved in his locker than in class. Either that or to pursue acting.

He is a vegan because he cares about animals. Thats probably why he stared in a movie that repopularized the sport of horseracing which focuses on beating animals in order for them to speed down a dirt track dangerously in pursuit of profiting off their suffering. oops.

He doesn't use alcohol or drugs because his body is weak enough

Enjoys Yoga and crying, all except the crying part.

Toby was originally set to play Officer Hoyt in trainer day but was cut when sources close to the cast claimed that he wet himself after denzel yelled at him. Later on the director apologized for the miscommunication and made a public statement saying that Toby Maguire just wasn't very believeable in the role as a police officer. Then one reporter stated that the one of the village people was a police officer.

He had to pack on 25 pounds to look like the pussiest spiderman i could have ever imagined....ever.



These are the 3 canidates in line for an asskicking from Toby Maguire.

1. Topher Grace: He is one of the stars on "That 70's Show" He plays a man that is trapt in a boys body. He usually just hobbles around the set getting rejected by girls.

2. Ferris Bueller: Ok, i know that he is grown up now and yes, i know thats not his real name however it's 5:1 that Toby Maguire may still be able to kick his ass even today.


3. Jack from Will & Grace. Do i really need to go into depth on this one?


REMEMBER: POST YOUR COMMENTS!!!!!!! and also remember:

You could beat the shit out of Toby Maguire

Wouldn't you give like 600 bucks to see these two just slap each other for like 45 minutes. I like this picure so much that i may just determine this to be the matchup that i most want to see out of the other canidates. Thanks C.K. for the pic.

Jack from Will and Grace looking a little to happy to be standing with Tad Hamilton. I figured that this picture is good because you can compare him and Topher Grace.

Even a guy that later turned out to star on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" can't help but point and laugh at the scrawnyness of Ferris Buellers muscles. However he did later comment that he did like ferris's leapord skin vest.

Topher Grace standing next to tad hamilton. This picture was taken on the set of the movie when Tad Hamilton had to help Topher Grace hold up the weight of his axe.

Toby Maguire on his never ending journey in search of someone that he could beat up.

This is what the grounds surrounding the athletic field looked like after we were done with them.

A Day In The Life Of...

This is an acurate portrayal of a full 24 hours of my life. I realize many of you know me but however i realize that many people from other campus's, states, and even countries check out this blog because its worth skipping your class to read. I decided to give you an insider's look at what goes on in my life. I wanted to do this for a long time but really haven't pulled any all nighters lately because sleep fucking rules. So here is an accurate portrayal of the events of April 15-16. All names and places have n0t been changed to protect the innocent cause they are all just as guilty as me.

April 15- i wake up at about 1 o'clock in the afternoon. It feels like it is atleast 100 degrees in my room. Here is my justification for this presumption. The temperature outside is near 70. Heat is still pouring out of the radiator in my room (thanks umass, i didn't think you could mess up at everything you do....now i am convinced) plus heat rises and i am on the top floor of my building. In addition i have my bed lofted 6 feet off the ground making it even hotter. My bed is so close to the ceiling that if i were to sit up in bed i would drill my head on the ceiling and get knocked unconcious. That isn't a speculation. Thats what happens whenever i wake up suddenly and try sitting up. So i lay in bed taking back all the stuff i said in January bout' how i "just can't wait till its hot out" I wake up at 4pm. i have a meeting at 430 pm to discuss details about the charity event that i am leading today. The event is called Relay For Life and is to benefit the American Cancer Society. Basically its an overnight event that has one of your team members on the track at all times walking laps around a football field.

Meeting goes well, i go to Big Y and save 4 dollars from using my big y card. I purchase the cheapest burgers, hot dogs, buns, chips, and mustard that i can find. Somehow i feel like splurging on the ketchup is necessary so i do it but regret it later.

I show up at the event and completely miss the opening ceremonies because i am setting up our campsite while others put up a tent. Our campsite is secluded away from the rest of "tent city" for everyone elses protection. I was fairly confident that we were going to be the worst behaved team even before we saw what other troublemakers we were up against. Keep in mind that this is a charity event.

Its about 7 clock and our first team member is on the track carrying a flag that says the name of our building at umass. Other teams are envious of our flag and by envious i mean confused. Zack and I walk to my car to get the groceries that i bought. Before i proceed. Here are some things that i should mention about the event.

There is no smoking allowed
There is no alcohol allowed
No skateboarding
No rollerblading
No pets


So when we arrive at my car we get the food and i notice that i have my bud light cooler in my car. we pack all of our food in my clearly marked bud light cooler and walk it right past everyone. Within 10 minutes cops are at our campsite asking us to open up the budlight cooler. I pause and think about how much i could fuck with them and make them get a warrent to unveil our hotdog stash however i comply and the cop goes away. By now everyone else at the event has taken notice our our ability to draw in police 15 minutes after the event has started.

We call together a team meeting to get alcohol. We use code words like "big boy soda" I am now convinced that 1/3 of my team is disgusted by the way that i am leading my team and the example i am setting. We get alcohol and start making drinks in our tent. The sun has now completely gone down and its getting cold.

Jen and i go over to the arts and crafts tent and draw all over our Relay For Life provided t-shirts with white paint. Staff interviegn <--(probably spelled wrong) and tell us with an agry tone that the paint wont dry all night. We ignor their warnings. 10 min later jen has white paint in her hair. Zack fires up our grill. I eat 3 burgers and a hot dog. I wash it down with bacardi. I then think its a good idea to run a lap around the track. I run for about 30 seconds and realize that my previous idea was a poor one. I walk the remainder of the way and go back to the campsite to drink. Zack and Bill are now playing guitar and singing. We victimize anyone that comes by with a song paridy about them. Some kid then comes by and says that his fraternity is holding a lemonade beer pong tournament in the other tent to benefit the charity. We tell him that we will meet him there and never show.

We decide that we are going to do physical activity so we go onto the football field right in the middle of a game of ultimate frisbee and start throwing a football around forcing them to play around us. we do this for about 2 hours. We notice that the bags with candles in them have been arranged on the bleachers to spell out the word "HOPE" we then notice that the "E" is on fire and a person is rushing over to put the fire out. We are all left with "HOPC " We then make fun of the other kids playing football because they aren't playing tackle. Basically within 5 minutes of the start of their game, from what we witnessed, it turned into a bunch of college kids just gaying around, playing grab ass mixed with heavy petting. There was also a lot of pelvis thrusting hugs aimed at each other as well as way too much chest bumping in addition to full frontal contact. It may have been the most homoerotic charity event i have ever seen. It was almost like those same guys then rushed over to the announcers booth and put on dresses to be in a "miss relay drag queen competition" oh wait. That is exactly what happened. We notice a group of kids smoking off in the distance. These must be our friends. After further review we come to find that they are our friends. I then start kicking field goals towards the direction of the people walking along the track. I almost knock over a memorial bag with a candle in it not to mention almost hitting relay participants. However since i am not a complete dick, i have my friend standing behind the field goal posts ready to prevent both incidences from occuring.

We head back to campsite and layer up. It's freezing now. We decide to build a wood burning fire on an athletic field at a charity event. Later I return to the track. I then walk with my friend jen for about an hour and a half around the track. There is a good chance that i walked about 5 miles.

Everyone leaves exept for Zack, Cory, Kate, Jamie, and myself. We are all determined to stay up all night. I eat 3 slices of pizza and have a redbull and vodka. We then eat smores that we cook over a fire. Life is good. A few of us go gather more fire wood. I come back with 12 empty pizza boxes from a dumpster closeby. Zack rolls one up and lights it on fire like a torch. I then dare him to run a lap around the track with his pizza box torch in honor of the event. He gets up like his is accepting my dare however we convince him that it is infact a bad idea.

I then drink about 6 cups of coffee and we walk as a group around the track possibly walking another 2 miles. I pee nearly every lap. We go back to our campsite.

We tend to the fire some more. We are running out of wood so we decide to burn our team flag. i go back to my car and get my skateboard to use as a seat. Its about 4 am and our campsite is covered in:

-ash
-clothes
-trash
-cups
-guitars
-frost
-wood
-empty pizza boxes

We then decide to do another wood run. Cory and i find a large limb from a tree and decide that together we should run with it and slam it against a tree. we do this at about 430 am. we gather sticks as well and then get yelled at by the staff because we shouldn't be burning wood. we leave our wood behind.

So naturally, we go back to the campsite and burn the remainder of our wood that we have and then focus on burning pizza boxes. The smoldering pizza boxes are raining more ash then a volcanic eruption. We decide against burning any more. Jamie gives into to her girlyness and goes to bed. Here is a list of what jamie did from about 4 oclock till 8 o clock AM

4 oclock -complained about being cold
5 oclock -complained about being cold
6 oclock -snorring
7 oclock -complained about being cold
8 oclock -demanded a mcdonalds hashbrown

So now its about 630 AM at our campsite and some random girl joins our group because everyone else is being boring. She leaves. Again we start grilling. We eat burgers for breakfast at 6:45AM It doesn't settle well. I notice that one of the staff tents has orange juice so i mix it with vodka and put in in my water bottle and do a lap. Another participant comments on how it was smart to bring a water bottle. However if she knew i was drinking at 645 in the morning i think she would take back her compliment about my decision making abilities.

730AM Fire dies out. Only smoldering ashes so naturally we dump the hot ashes in a trash can that is filled with paper cups and plates. 10 minutes later smoke is pouring out of the trash can that is clearly now on fire. These are the things that put out that fire. 1. poweraid mixed with vodka, 2. orange juice mixed with vodka, 1. water with lemon, 4. half of a 3 liter of cola.

745AM I feel like shit. Zack, Corey, and I take a trip to McDonalds to get Jamie her hashbrown. We stop an dunkin donuts and get coffees.

8:30am campsite is packed up, i leave. I feel like i am drunk but im not. my body feels like it hates me. On my drive home i am passed by a man driving a pickup truck. His dog is sitting shotgun. A women that i presume to be his wife is in the back seat of his extended cab. i start laughing really hard. The dog is now giving me glares like i am the weird one. I stop laughing. The dogs situation was infact more normal that the one that i had been in. I look back with respect at the dog who is now changing the radio station. everything except that last part.

i arrive back at the umass parking lot and i hear Jimmy Buffets "Margaritaville playing nearby. I look around and see nothing but empty cars. I then consider the fact that i am hallucinating but then realize that the fact that i am questioning my self means that i am infact sane. I walk back to my dorm. My elbow hurts really bad and i think that i have tendinitis. I then remember that i don't even know what tendinitis is. I walk by a stone wall outside my building where hippies have painted a beautiful mural on it with sidewalk chalk. This is what their mural said. "Drugs" and then had a picture of a pot leaf under it.....i really hate hippies. I Then enter my building and get into the elevator and hit the 8 button. The door opens up and i walk out onto the first floor. Yes, i just infact went all the way up to the 8th floor and forgot to actually get out of the elevator. I try again. This time my intentions are fulfilled and i exit the elevator on the correct floor. I get to my room and check my grades. I recieved a 48% on my math test that i took the other day. It is the least of my concerns.

I lay in bed till about 11 am and can't sleep. I then go into the bathroom and casually puke. then i return to my bed and ponder why jimmy buffet was playing in the parking lot. Within minutes i am asleep.



*i would like to thank all that donated their time and money on behalf of my team to do the charity event. I hope we made you proud. It just goes to show you that even a group of fuckups can raise money for charity on a friday night while the rest of the campus just raised their blood alcohol content levels.

Daytime Television

This is an in-depth analysis of the trainwreck that is daytime television. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I really hope your life decisions have prevented you from being in front of a television from 9-5 during the week. The truth is that we all have all called in sick from work/skipped school/ done nothing with our lives in order to enjoy a day of irresponsibility governed by free will. However eventually you find yourself alone and bored with no one to turn to besides your TV. This is what your television has to offer you.
To be honest there are only really 5 types of programming that happen while the rest of the world is at work.

1. Commercials encouraging you to get your phones turned on again:
This commercial stars an overly excited black man who is marveling in the delight that he has mastered the mechanics of his phone. He beams with joy over the fact that he now hears the sweet, sweet sound of a dial tone at the other end. He is now confident that this feeling will now last until next month when they shut off his phone again for not paying for the service. Perhaps by then our hero will learn a valuable lesson about life….perhaps your phone was turned off because you have never once paid for the service, either that or it was turned off by the oppressors trying to hold you down. If nothing else stands out to you about this commercial, just notice that a phone number flashes across the screen encouraging people to call to have their phones turned on…..maybe its just me, but if your phones have been turned off, I don’t think you are making calls to anyone except by means of two Styrofoam cups and a string.

2. Commercials encouraging you to sue someone:
One thing I can’t stand is frivolous lawsuits. Even if I’m not involved I still get upset. Like the lady that sued McDonald’s over spilling hot coffee on herself. If I were McDonald’s I would have just settled the case out of court; perhaps in an unlit parking lot with a baseball bat. But to the rest of the daytime TV audience, lawsuits are their opportunity to get off their couch, hit it rich, and get back on a nicer new couch. There is always some Italian guy that comes on and is like, "Yo this is Anthony Marconi, from Marconi and Capone Law firm. Has some knucklehead done you wrong, well we are here to make sure we teach him a lesson he ain’t neva gunna forget. Call us."

3. Courtroom proceedings by popular television judges:
This would consist of TV shows like Judge Judy or Joe Brown. I think they even have a fashion court show but im not sure if the guy is a real judge, in fact I don’t think he has any credentials to judge fashion other than the fact that he is unmistakably gay. Therefor I suppose he has proper credentials. However the courtroom drama in the real judge judy or joe brown’s courtroom usually plays out like this. Poor white trash argue about the rightful owner of uncle cyde’s orange couch for about a half hour untill the judge tells them that they suck at life and to go home. Then the defendants try to make rebuttals followed by judge judy telling them that she won’t hear another word of it. Then the show ends and is followed by commercials. (see above)

4. The Price is Right:
Currently forensic scientists are hard at work trying to prove that Bob Barker is in fact older than dinosaurs. But in the meantime he just stands on a stage, molests his staff, and blames senility. Most contestant’s struggle pricing widely used items such as soap in an effort to gain more plinko chips. However the best part of the show is when some asshole bids 1 dollar over the next bid basically saying. "you can go fuck yourself" Then the victim usually looks over towards the higher bidder and gives them a glare that can only mean one thing….. "After the show I am going to punch your youngest daughter"

5. Soap Operas:
I have decided to make a list of qualities and traits that a soap opera must possess for it to sell.

A. Everyone is a doctor or lawyer because that is how the real world is, however they can never actually be at work.

B. They all must have trendy names like Skyler, Dillon, Tatiana, or Mercede.

C. There has to be an aunt that is really a witch

D. There needs to be a little girl or boy that is used as a pawn by the divorced couple. The child must also look terrified in every episode and at all times.

E. The cast needs to stare at each other way too long during cut-scenes and before commercial breaks to increase drama and/or awkwardness.

F. All the women must fight over the same dick.

G. There has to be an insightful grandmother that really is sleeping with her daughter’s fiancé.

H. It must take place in one of two places: Malibu or Orange County

I. Frivolous details such as laws, ethics, morals, reasonability, and general common sense are unimportant.






On second thought, virtually no thinking goes into creating soap operas.

Stop And Think

Lately i keep hearing nothing but complaining from people about how gas prices are going to raise to near $2.45 by memorial day. Even Cnn took the time to write an editorial about it instead of realizing that they should have just read my blog instead for witty insight that solves global issues that plauge even the smartest Washington ecomomic drones. Its not so much that i think im right, its just that other people think im right. Thats why this blog thrives. Thus the title propaganda. But to be honest with you, i really think most of my blogs are pretty true and remain accurate to how things should be, even if im not taking a serious stand on an issue....i'll still find a way to make a point. Here is that point. How tough is it to complain about oil from the comforts of our homes, how much is $ 2.45 really, what is the value of oil, what is the value of life. Hopefully I already answered these questions. When i first posted this blog it hit home with a lot of people. I hope this repost will do the same. Please, when we come into these summer months keep this blog in your mind ever time you cringe at paying 2.50 a gallon. Not every blog i write is humerous so you can stop waiting for the punchline; if came to this page in hopes of laughing at other peoples poor life decisions read this.

http://ryanmcbride.blogspot.com/2004/12/accomplishments.html

But to all those that can relate, without further delay, keep this one close to your heart as they keep us close to theirs. How dare any of us complain. Support our troops.

http://ryanmcbride.blogspot.com/2004/10/instant-classic.html

This guy definitely wears "MAN" cologne

The Essence of a Man

Honestly, what idiot actress doesn’t think she can sing. Just cause you can act doesn’t mean that you have the voice of an angel. It’s even better when rap stars will suddenly realize that they are fashion designers and come out with a new line and market it to illiterates in the south. Why do people think that they can just do everything well. I feel like if there is an opportunity to plug any product with a popular face it has already been done. But I mean celebrity colognes have to be the ultimate in unnecessary attempts to diversify a persons stock. I mean I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to smell like Antonio Banderas. Yeah make that positive. Plus these celebrity colognes use words like "the essence of Brittney Spears" What the fuck is her essence? Either that or they crush up pearls and put them in the bottom and it does nothing for the scent but makes the price skyrocket. I decided to come up with a cologne of my own. Its called:

MAN

Here is the list of smells that it would consist of:

Meat
Strip club on a Friday night
Motor oil
Paper Money
Beer
Stale cigarettes
Leather
Gasoline
Sweat
Naked lady air freshener
Dirt
Rusty metal
Campfire
Sun tan oil
Grass clippings
Wet dog
Gun powder
Old boots


The bottle would look like a beer bottle and each bottle would have had a lit cigarette put out inside of the cologne so it would look like the empty beer bottles you find after a party the next morning where people used them as ashtrays. I strongly believe that it would add to the "essence" I would also blare guns and roses in the storage room before the cologne got shipped out just to give the cologne more attitude. I would also test the product on animals cause animals smell bad anyways so I guess maybe it would be doing them a favor so maybe PETA would cut me some slack. However they probably would be pissed that I added both leather and meat to the cologne. The bottle would come in a flannel plaid bag. It may also have wood paneling for no reason on it. On the bottle I would just have a picture of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. Basically it would probably compete for market share with Stetson cologne. I would include shaving gel and by shaving gel I mean nothing cause full beards are so in right now and giving away free shit isn’t profitable and would taint the prestige of my brand. Women would be so attracted to the scent that you would need to carry around a crowbar to pry them off you.




Lumberjacks, cowboys, and alligator wresters would wear "MAN" cologne.