Please Park Accordingly

Its not even up for debate that i should just be in charge of everything, i mean look at the ideas i have. I have solved some pressing social problems with this blog but if you ever had any doubt about my abilities to fix things....read this.

Here is my idea. Stores should have parking according to weight classes. For example a skinny person should get front row parking because they really dont need the exercise plus they move faster so they will get their shopping done faster thus opening the parking spot faster for the next person. However fat people would get parking that was really far away making them walk the furthest to get to the store thus helping them get into shape. Their is no question that Americans are becoming obese at an alarming rate and their is also no question that mall parking lots are full of fat people that will drive around for a half hour just so they can wait till a front row parking space opens up. By doing this they increase the chance of both accidents and me writing an entry about them. With this proposal people that are in shape are rewarded for their self dicipline and people that are fat are rewarded with the opportunity to get a workout and burn calories. Parking spaces could just have signs that designate weight class. Handicapped people could still have their spots upfront but i would just reduce the number of spots cause honestly, when have you seen all of the handicapped spots filled with handicapped peoples.....never. At that rate, in 10,000 years this is how many times a handicapped person will be left without a spot......never. Oh wait, exactly. Get rid of some of their spots and make way for the skinny people. I would then set up a marketing program to post advertisements from fast food restaurants in the skinny person section and generate revenue from that. In addition, i would post ads for gym memberships and diet plans in the fat person section. Talk about target marketing!!!! This idea is so good that it hurts. Someone will steal this idea from me and win some award for it i just know it.

Saturdays are for cartoons!

I used to love watching cartoons but honestly, todays cartoons just aren't the same. Remember all the old cartoons that you used to wake up early saturday moring and watch non stop will the afternoon. It was awesome. I am dedicating this entry to some of the cartoons and kids we used to watch, and what i remember them being about. Im not doing any research on this. Just going by memory and gross misrepresentation. Enjoy

Thundercats: This show was pretty much just a bunch of mutant cat men. The lead character had the sword of omens and he used to look into it like a crystal ball and see crazy stuff that was happening. Then the thundercats would take their busted ass space ship and show up just in time to throw down.

G.I. Joe: There was no time for a love story in this one kids, only sheer ass kicking. I used to have a G.I. Joe space ship when i was little. A space ship? Lets be honest, you never know if the bad guys could be hiding in outer space and you just can't take that risk that they aren't. It just goes to show you that president bush isn't really looking that hard for osama bin ladden. Other than that, people just basically had other high tech weaponry but in the end, the fights always turned into hand to hand combat. At the end of the show there was always a public service announcement saying that it is ok to fire machineguns at other people but don't even think about riding a bicycle without a helmet.

Transformers: Kind of like G.I. Joes but for people with A.D.D. You would just be watching it and it would be some dialouge and right when you were about to fall asleep one of the robots would just turn into a firetruck with missles and guns on it and you would be hooked again for the remainder of the show.

Mighty Mouse: Decent show if you are into that mouse saving the world type thing. The show was ok, i was starting to question how the mouse was able to fly but now i remember that he had a cape and everyone knows that mice can fly but only if they wear capes and spandex.

My Little Pony: This show had no point as did most girl cartoons. The ponies just sat around with smiles for a half an hour, no fighting, no mounting each other. At the end of the show all you wanted to do was buy an easy bake oven or set up dolls for a tea party.

Care Bears: Basically just a group of flamboyant bears that just hugged and shot beams of light from their hearts. When ever a bag guy messed with them, the care bears would just play grab ass with them and gay around for 20 minutes until it turned into a musical.

Fraggle Rock: Who even knows what a fraggle was, all you needed to know was that they lived underground and mined stones so that way they could sell the stones for beer money. Other than that they raided old peoples' gardens and stole their vegetables. I remember their being a dog that used to chase the fraggles around, maybe it was their friend but honestly, who cares.

Muppets: What an awesome show, im not talking about kermit and miss piggy and the interspecies breeding that happened there. Im talking about the 2 old critics that just used to sit up in the opera boxes and make fun of everyone and everything like how my blog kinda works. Missy Piggy and kermit would just be walking by holding hands and the critics would be like "Hey miss piggy.....your fat! HAHAHAHA Yeah you know what that means? It means that people don't care about your personality...HAHAHAHA." Then kermit would step in and be all pc and be like "C'mon guys thats not very nice" And then the critics would be like " Hey kermit.....im going to eat your legs for breakfast! AHAHAHA" Then it would just cut to a scene where beaker would be accidently spilling chemicals on mr. bunson.

"Kermit....You don't even have a dick!! AHAHAHA"

Back to not being a pussy--Give Sidewalks a Chance

Im flat out going to say it, i have thoughts about doing bad things to bikers that just ride their bicylcles in the middle of the road thinking that they have equal share of the road as i do. Many times i have made efforts to come close to hitting them just to give them motivation and by motivation i mean get them the fuck out of my way. There is nothing worse than some asshole biker that just cuts though a busy intersection making hand signals like a referee. What are they doing? Here is a suggestion, use the sidewalk like every other non-automobile should. The best is when they are going 30 miles an hour down a hill in the middle of the road holding up traffic. I just want to pull up behind them and lay on the horn and watch as their back wheel just fishtails for a few seconds until they regain composure. Awesome! Isn't that terrible....no, probably not. Either that or i just want to open my car door as they speed by so that way they slam into it. Ok that is pretty terrible. But again, this is coming from someone whose grandmother used to run motercycles off the road because she felt that they should be on the sidewalk with all the other bikes. Im not lying. We had to have a state trooper make a home visit to her because we were afraid that she was going to hit one eventually. Bicycles have no right to the road at all, if you want to ride your bike why not ride it along the miles and miles of perfectly paved trails that surround the area. I mean shit, if i can get arrested for just holding a skateboard, you should be damn proud that the town dumps money into supporting your hobby. They could give a shit about mine. Once you idiots on bikes start paying auto insurance, i will share the road with you. Otherwise you are just a liability and i will continue to have bad thoughts about things i would do to you if i could. Its great that you care about safety but honestly if you are speeding right through busy intersections and cutting off cars, just take off your helmet cause trust me, your brain isn't worth protecting.

Im being a pussy

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has always supported me, not just this webpage, fuck this webpage, i mean everyone who has always been there for me, everyone who i know would be there for me. Fuck circumstances, fuck having the time, everyone has just taken time out to make sure that i was ok. Its been amazing the support that everyone has given me lately knowing that i have fallen on some hard times. Man 709 and friends, how many people were in that suite again.....hundreds? shit, you guys have all been so good to me. Im believing that God put me in that suite for a reason. You all have been the family that i really never had. When i graduate this spring i want you all there cause honestly its been blood sweat and tears for 5 years of college. When i get that degree it will make it all worth it. I owe a huge thanks to the people that dragged me out of bed to get to high school, the people that dragged me out of bed to get through college. There is no doubt that i never should have made it this far. And when everyone else lost hope for me, you stuck by my side cause you believed in me. I will never forget the long nights of good times, the long nights of bad times, the people that offered to pay for my books when i couldn't afford them, My HTM support crew--you probably have more right to my degree than i do. I just credit the good lord with always watching over me and puting me with people that love me and watch over me here at school. I wish you guys could see how much i pray for you all, for your families, for your health, and just to give thanks for how much you all have influenced me and how much i have influenced you all. I seriously have cried on more shoulders than a man should ever admit to and you have never turned me away once. Thank you for never giving up on the poor kid with the big heart.

I love you all,
Mcbride



P.S. this will be the last pussy entry for a while, sorry to all my fans that just want to hear me make fun of kids with pink shirts.

The Only Childrens Book Worth Reading

There is only room on my bookshelf for 1 book staring a fictional nerd with glasses. And no, im not talking about harry potter. Im talking about Where's Waldo. I have never read a harry potter book or seen any of those shitty movies with that red head kid that just cries and wets his pants for 2 and a half hours. Keep in mind i didn't see the movie but im pretty sure that was part of the plot. When harry is not putting brooms in between his legs, he is babling some stupid english jabber and riding the trolley. The whole story screams homoeroticism. I'd rather read Where's Waldo and by read i mean not do any reading. The author of Where's Waldo, Martin Handford, knew that a picture was worth a thousand words so he just made a bunch of pictures. Amazing! Anyways, Waldo was the original childrens book pimp. The dude had style: he had the cane, the ski cap, and who can forget red and white stripes, i mean, the guy screamed confidence. He even wore his ski cap and scarf to the beach and picked up girls. The best was that he just went everywhere; he was fearless. Like half the time you would just see him peaking out of the womens changing rooms with a smile on his face. Either that or he would just be in the middle of a fierce battle just passing through. No one would even bother trying to attack him cause they knew that if they did, they would get the cane. My favorite Where's Waldo scene was where he was just chilling out and throwing back a few beers with a bunch of vikings that he had no business hanging out with. Come to think of it, Waldo was the ultimate party crasher. When he showed up and they asked to see his invitation he probably just walked right by and was like "yeah well try to find me now bitch!" Besides Waldo just pimping out and slapping vikings around, the book had cartoon nudity, drinking, people smoking, partying, and monsters. I mean what else do you want in a childrens book?

New Foreign Policy

I can't even believe i haven't thought of writing this sooner. I don't see what the dillema is here, i don't see how this isn't fair to them. What bothers me is how i used to sit in a college level english class with tons of foreign students, watching them fumble around forgeting conjuctions and mispronounce words just so that they could recieve a better grade then me in a class that is my native language. Unbelieveable. I would just sit there being a quite audience member while some foreign girl would present her paper using paragraphs like this:

"I like reading article cause it very interesting. It show how author he really happy. She do good job with making many word sound good. Also many good point. Best part is at end when hero save person from die."

This is about the time when i slam my head into the desk repeatedly because i know that this is B+ material. Im not lying. As she makes a notion that she is done, the teacher just looks so proud of her and everyone starts clapping. WHY, that was aweful? The best is when i present my flawlessly edited and well thought out thesis, just to have it come back with a C on it because i had a "weak conclusion" I just want to stand up and interupt her mid sentence and be like "NO! Look, she mixed up the pronoun! C'mon! Thats atleast -3! And can you believe she left out the word "the"? C'mon you all saw that!"

If I can take a college level Spanish course and be penalized for not prouncing the "h" correctly then she should be graded to this scale as well. If people can't speak English in a college level English class then I shouldn't be held to such high standards in my Spanish class. Fair is fair.
The best is when my English teacher suggests that they should tutor me in English because they are getting a better grade then me. Honestly, from now on everyone...call out foreigner's mistakes! I mean honestly, when was the last time a foreigner didn't criticize Americans for being unfair. If fair is what they want. Fair is what they will get.

Encore Presentation, i'll make a new one later

A profile for the ladies: Its a damn shame that romance died so that MTV could have spring break and everyone could hook up with each other. I know that guys are a major let down, but i mean girls too have their regrets. Its just such a shame that girls regrets are not going after the guy they truly know is right for them. Why wont a girl just go up to a guy and be like "i love you damn it!, i 've always loved you, i've never felt more at home than i do when im with you, you may not feel the same way about me but im willing to give up everything i hold dear just to have one chance to prove to you that i've made up my mind, losing you is better than never knowing if i could have had you my love"... A guys football would instantly deflate and he would then have to marry you. Guys want girls with balls, just not literally. So make the moves ladies, its not like you haven’t done it 300 times over in your head already.

Getting Down to Business

It has always amazed me how the business world just comes up with these fancy terms to confuse everyone into compying with their proposals. Half the time people are just so confused by business lingo that they just buy into whatever products and advertisements confuse them the most. See IBM http://ryanmcbride.blogspot.com/2004/10/whats-marketing.html Every time i watch one of these commercials i feel like IBM has taken something away from me such as hope for the future. So I figured since i am a school of management major and am business savy; I figured that for the good of college students everywhere, I would help to unscramble the bullshit business babble that is plauging the industry. Here are some business terms and their college definitions.

Multi-Tasking: This is when you drink a beer in the shower before you go out to the bars so you can pre-game and look good. Or this can translate into simply just taking a shower with dirty dishes in an etempt to save time, energy, and soap.

Ethics: This is when your best friends boyfriend is totally into you but since you are a lady, you just let him buy you drinks all night but dont sleep with him.

Resourcing: This is when you take ideas from my website and apply them to your life so that you come off to others as being wise and informed.

Marketing: This is when you show up to a bar with personalized male escort for hire business cards and pass them out to all the beautiful ladies.

Entropy: This is when you go to college but you don't actually do any school work and you fail out and can't figure out why

Networking: You keep in constant contact with people over instant messanger and check their away messages like its your job.

Market Share: This is when there is only 1 beer left in the fridge and you take it before anyone else can so that way you have full market share for that product opportunity.

Capital Gains: This is when you find money on the ground or when when vending machines spit out 2 sodas for the price of one.

Company Culture: This is the overall status of your group of friends. You all drink so therefor your company culture would be an alcoholic one.

Optimization: This is when you throw some of your clothes in someone elses dryer and then take them out before they come back to check on their clothes.

Globalization: This is the reason why your VCR manual is written in 180 languages.

Profit Sharing: A perfect example is when you go to Wendy's and they they mess up and give you an extra jr. bacon cheeseburger and you give it to your friend that had his order messed up to the point where all you can do is laugh at him and his misfortune.

Potential Revenue: Throwing a keg party = 5 dollars a cup x number of people - lost revenue from pretty girls that didn't pay because pretty girls can work magic on desperate guys.

Compensation: Before starting a friendly game of Monopoly, you punch your friend in the face while fighting over who gets to be the thimble You then feel bad and buy him a drink and get him a bag of frozen peas to put on his black eye.

Benchmarking: This is when a girl gets all dressed up and arrives at the party and scopes all the other girls out to see who her real competition is.

Infrastructure: A good example of infrastructure is when your hot water in the dorms just magically disapears all day....congrats, your infrastructure is fucked!

Organization Model: This is when you demand your opponents to go to the "diamond formation" during a game of beer pong when they have only 4 cups left.

Thinking Outside the Box: When you make spaghetti and don't have a strainer, you borrow your roomates tennis racket and pour the spaghetti onto it so that just the water goes through. You can even pour sauce on the racket and use it as a plate and then just throw away their racket when you are done and blame it on someone you don't like.


People will learn more from this article than from a $100 "Intro to Business" textbook.

We're Quite Simple Creatures Actually

I am so sick of girls that just bitch and complain that guys are so confusing. I've heard a lot of dumb things said before but that is one comment that always makes me wish i had poor hearing or could hit people and not get arrested. So i decided to make a comparison that will help every woman really get the true idea about how simple guys really are. I will compare guys to a single celled fungi and the similarities are astounding. ......where do i come up with this shit?

YEAST
--Can't do anything without food
--Hangs out with other yeast
--Needs water
--No communication skills
--Only work it does is surrounding itself with alcohol and friends
--Needs proper living environment
--Becomes intoxicated to the point that it dies
--Biggest concern is reproducing

GUYS
--In a constant search for food
--Likes hanging around with those similar to him.
--Needs water
--Poor communication skills
--Doesn't want to do anything unless it involves alcohol and friends
--Needs a comfortable home
--Drinks till they pass out
--Just interested in sex


NOTE TO WOMEN: If you still don't see the similarities and still feel that guys are sooo confusing and complex; then you are probably siting by your telephone wondering why he hasn't called you yet.

Not Even Up For Debate

There has never and will never be a better TV show than the A-Team...ever. I know some of you may not have even heard of this TV show and another part of you weren't even born yet cause your parents knew that you wouldn't have been able to handle how they loved the show more than you. This was the intro to the TV show: "In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team." ...I should just end this web entry right now on the sheer basis that i made my point and convinced everyone. Not to mention that during the intro army guys are just jumping out of helicopters and you can barely hear the announcer over the machine gun fire in the background. Besides that the A-Team is just kicking ass and blowing up anything that gets in their way or just because they can. Whoever was in charge of casting should just win every award for telivision, even ones that don't have anything to do with TV just because they are more talanted than most people. They cast Mr. T as "B.A. Baracus" and trust me the B.A. didn't stand for Bachelor of Art, it stood for Bad Ass. BA wore more gold than a dead egyptian and anyone that messed with him he would just stomp in their face and then blow them up. Then there was the leader of the group- "Hannibal" He basically just blew stuff up for no reason and smoked cigars but sometimes he would get lucky and actually hit a target. He was also in charge of making sure that atleast 1 car was blown up and flipped into the air each episode. "Face" was the ladies man of the group. He didn't really fight except when someone was messing with his girls. Throughout the whole episode it can be implied that he was cast just to have sex with beautiful women and give the bad guys man-crushes on him so they wouldn't fight so hard. Oh yeah...his real first name was dirk. Anyways, the last member was "Murdock". He basically just laughed when people got shot in the face and told jokes while Mr. T was shooting at government officials.....im not kidding. He was there just for comic relief so that way when Hanniblal was putting his cigars out on peoples' chests, you could just think about how much fun Murdock must be having driving his buldozer into a school to look for bad guys. People that have seen the A-Team know exactly why i wrote this web entry and for those that disagree with me. "I pitty the fool!"

I graduated from Electoral College

This webpage entry is going out by request from fans cause im drunk. The presidential election still isn't over. I stopped caring if Bush would get Ohio like 3 hours ago. I just started drinking and thinking of ways that we could change our voting system and the democratic train wreck that is "electoral college." Electoral college is the reason that i don't vote. Did you hear that hippies? i didn't vote, you know why, cause my vote doesn't count. (see 2000 popular vote counts) anyways i know that the second that i register to vote i will get jury duty. Its like cause and effect, it just happens. So hear are some suggestions from a non voter to help out the same system that 70% of America believes is obsolete, but then again....Even those polls don't count cause we still use it. So these are the rules for next election to see that this dumb shit never happens again. Rules will become effective immediately.

1. If New Hampshire votes republican this year we should have the right to kick them out of New England and give the land to Rhode Island so they wont get made fun of so much.

2. Florida should just stick to Disney World, not voting. They can now only vote in local elections. Either that or we could just trick them cause they are all old and naive and tell them all that they already voted and then they would agree, take their vitamins, and read the newspaper till they fell asleep.

3. Alaska will now become part of Canada but in return we will receive free universal health care paid by Canada. Why hasn't anyone thought of this sooner.

4. Southern States votes don't count: I mean what the fuck, they already tried to secede from the union once, do we really owe them anything? Plus lets not forget that they didn't allow blacks any voting rights for hundreds of years. Lets just not even include their votes on the basis that their judgment is off. I mean can you really trust a group of states that goes to war over being free nearly 100 years after winning their independence?

5. Vermont votes count as 2: If it was my way whoever won the popular vote in Vermont would win the election because you know that your life would just instantly become better. You would wake up November 3rd and their would be trees planted everywhere, people baking cookies and hugging each other, kids playing frisbee on the whitehouse lawn, and everyone would just come home from Iraq realizing that work sucks.

6. Ralph Nader will now have to admit that he is a Republican. Furthermore all votes cast for Ralph Nadar will no longer go into ballot boxes but will go into trash cans for counting, either that or furnaces or paper shredders. This way the true meaning of your vote will be felt.

7. More emphasis should be made on the fact that Kerry received 90% of the votes in the district of Columbia (Washington D.C.) It has to be reassuring to Bush knowing that his neighbors hate him. The more i thought of it the more i realized how hard you have to actually try to have 9 out of 10 people agree that you should have been a blowjob. Thats talent.

8. Just combine North Dakota and South Dakota into "Dakaota" so when they come up with their combined 6 electoral votes, they will really get the feel of their combined unimportance.

9. Hip-Hop artists need to stop promoting voting on MTV as "Vote or Die" You are not Nelson Mandella. You should probably shut your mouths until you can back it up with 27 years of jail time for what you believe in. Oh yeah and learn how to play instraments.

10. I shouldn't write entries when im drunk.

813 people should have read my webpage before they became reality TV stars

For those of you who are not felons and don't know who John Walsh is, i just feel sorry for you to not have the experience of seeing a real man take care of business. John Walsh is the host of the only reality TV show worth watching--America's Most Wanted. Fox even tried to cancel his show in 1996 but the public kinda felt like pursuing real serial killers was more important than seeing another drama about fake doctors pussying around for an hour. The sad truth is that John Walsh's little boy was a victim of a deadly abduction in 1981 and the killer took his guilt to the grave never confessing his crime leaving John and his wife without closure. That was the inspiration that for the past 25 years has turned John Walsh into a hero and political activist. I can't even descibe about how much failure at being a man i would feel if i met John Walsh. If i have ever written a web entry saying that their was a manlier man than i lied or was misinformed. He should just win man of the year....every year...ever. But i know he won't, it will be some tool like that pussy kid from malcom in the middle. Its not even about how his life has been tragic and he pushes on, its not even about how he has helped bring that same very closure that he never recieved-to many other victims families. What really does it for me is how he adresses the fugitives in every show and completely makes fun of them and challenges them on national TV. Keep in mind, people run their mouths. Kids talk shit to each other and try to challenge people to fights.....Just not serial killers, gang leaders, and arsonists like how John Walsh does. Seriously that guy must have balls like no other. Here is my impression of my hero...John Walsh. "Alright gang, were here tonight hot on the trail of the most wanted man in America. This cowards name is ----- and he is wanted in all 50 states for being a gang raping child murdering arsonist cult leader. Its expected that he is heavily armed cause he fights like little sally school girl. We can only infer that this crook is probably a cronic masterbater that cries for his mommy and still pees the bed. He has a tatoo of a spider on his left shoulder cause he couldn't bear the pain of getting a tatoo on his throat like a real man." Then the show cuts into a clip of a story about the victims. Then he comes back on to mock the fugitive more and personally challenge him. " Welcome back gang. So as you can see this man travels alone to avoid penis envy and man-crushes. He was last seen in a diner in Des Moines sipping tea and sitting with his legs crossed writing poetry. --------, if you are out their i just want you to know that I think i could.....kill you" Then he flashes his number and adress of the studio that he is currently in because honestly, what are they going to do? Then he usually challenges him to a fight in the parking lot and tells them to bring flowers for him so that he can put them on their own grave once he mangles them. Then he usually challenges the viewers saying that he will buldoze their parents house if they withold valuable information about the fugitive from him. The show succeeds in making me more scared of John Walsh then of the fugitives and this is rightfully so. I mean the guy just says shit i wouldn't even dream about saying on national TV like i heard him call the leader of some gang "a coward" one time and i spit whatever i was drinking all over the wall. I remember that show about that masked magician and he gave away a bunch of magic secrets and they gave him a fake voice and didn't give away any info of him because he was scared that other magicians would make him disapear. Now think of John Walsh. The dude uses his real name, gives out his contact info, and all while making threats about fugitives lives, freedoms, penis size, manliness, motives, and just about anything else no one would ever say to a fugitive no less. I mean the person is still at large! To this day John Walsh has caught 813 fugitives with his bare hands or from helpful callers leaving tips. Either way when you see your face on America's Most Wanted, you know that John Walsh is personally inviting you over for dinner and by dinner i mean jail.