I am the daily collegian!

I have decided to NOT write for the daily collegian. As some of you may know i was pondering the idea of taking over a section of the collegian by force....or default.....to post these articles and completely save their poor newspaper: see http://ryanmcbride.blogspot.com/2004/10/whole-paper-is-comics.html , but i decided that it would be a lot smarter to just not associate my name with that flaming bag of shit. Anyways, so here i am, here to stay, exclusively yours, -me

Black People Love Me!....and i love them back.

Its hard for me as a white person to really understand the true stuggle of generations after generations of blacks fighting every sense of oppression imaginable. How could i comprehend the horrors that I turn away from every time I see pictures of old postcards glamorizing a lifeless little black girl just swinging from a tree. All while a crowd of whites intently cheer and watch as if were a sporting event. What type of person does this create? What part of the soul dies along with that little girl? What was their in the first place. Armed with songs of freedom and hope. Blacks pushed on. Its amazing how history just pushes them out of books. Black history is much more than the shortest month of the year. How do the accomplishments of blacks compare to those of whites, on what scale would you compare them, should you? Would you believe me that 3/5 of a person was responsible for the layout of washington DC? Would you believe me that 3/5 of a person researched for years and mailed a preliminary copy of the farmers almanac to Thomas Jefferson. If whites were scared of 3/5 of a person, exactly how superior were we? So its amazing that blacks could build Washington D.C. They just couldn't vote for who ran it....and what repercussions would follow the assignation of a peaceful black preacher who would have without question, invited his assassin to the table of brotherhood he so famously dream of. I just kills me how today whites still opress blacks and other people of color. Instead of persecuting them on false charges, whites now leave them off the ballots in Florida. Instead of sending food to the poor inner city blacks, we send the poor inner city blacks to war for oil but honestly....what duty do they owe this country? It must be a great feeling when a black man pays his taxes just to put up fancy lightposts in white neighboorhoods. That must feel like getting kicked in the balls by a horse. Painful. So as a white individual i can't really see why white people are so terrified of blacks. Like how whites just lock their doors when they drive though black neighborhoods because they are worried for their safety-- It's amazing how whites can't figure out the media targets blacks in a never ending effort to humiliate them. Whites have found other ways to oppress blacks. How different from slavery is isolating them in the worst neighborhoods without paying jobs and available health care? So hear is what im saying. Why are whites still fearful of blacks. Upper class whites have successfully kept blacks in unthreatening positions for hundreds of years. Why as a society, aren't we fearful of powerful whites? Cause it seems to me that many of them are the real root of this evil and misplaced fear. A black person may rob a store to provide a meal for his family, yet a white CEO may rob his company and investors of billions in an effort of greed, not necessity. Yet the reporters will only cover the black criminals story because that is what sells. Its the rich white ruling class that runs this country and always has been. Now even poor whites are being forced into these revolutionized slave like conditions. Its just amazing that the blame is still on the blacks. What exactly did they ever do wrong? I just know that the next time me and my black friends are walking in the buisiness district of a major city and we see some rich old guy that looks like the "Monopoly Guy".....we are going to turn the other way and fucking book it! Cause' from what i can see.....These are the scariest, most hostile kind of people and have the track record to prove it.


"One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land." -Martin Luther King Jr.

How to be a pro at going to the bars, from a professional bartender

I consider my self an expert at everything that goes on infront and behind a bar. So i decided to write this to give people a clue about proper bar etiquette and some do's and don'ts about how to show everyone who really runs the bar.

Dress
It all starts with the dress, wear something that makes you noticable yet not too over the top or brightly colored. Guys: Avoid wearing colors like pink (unless you are at a gay bar.) Also do not pop your collar because that shows poor judgement on your part and i as a bartender, will assume that only people who are intoxicated are that much of an idiot to do that on purpose. Also wear a moderate amount of mild cologne or perfume.

Entrance
This myth is that you should make a grand entrance with buglers and elephants and people throwing confetti. People also claim that you should show up fashionably late. This too is bullshit. Here is my advice on enterence: Show up really early, like one of the first people there, get to know the bouncer, order a drink or two, talk with the bartender, share a few laughs, give the bartender a decent tip and tell them you will be back later. Then show up fashionably late, later on that evening, call the bouncer and bartender by name and act like you are a regular.

Getting a drink
Scope the scene first, is this a place that you are going to be for an hour or more? If not leave. Bar hopping is fun but not for a bar pro like you. This is your kinda place, you strut up to the bar and chances are the bartender will notice you first and maybe even remember what drink you ordered before. You call the bartender by name and share a laugh.

What to drink
Here are some suggestions on what to order.
1. scotch if a guy orders a scotch at a bar it is like he is saying "sorry ladies but this finely aged scotch is more complex than you but i'll give you a consolation fuck.

2. anything in a rocks glass If a guy sees a girl drinking anything in a rocks glass it usually mean thats she can have any man she wants

3. Guinness When ever i bartend and i serve a woman a guinness, i usually want to serve it with a side of wedding ring.....she is a keeper.

Drinks to stay away from

1. Girls, please stay away from stupid named drinks. "Hey bartender can i get 1 oatmeal cookie shot and a thin mint shot?" What the fuck am i, a girl scout? When you want to order a real shot we can talk.

2. Guys stop ordering long island iced teas. If you think you are so macho with your drink order take my advice. Try a bone dry tanquerray martini, then once it puts hair on your chest maybe girl won't laugh at you so much for being such a pussy.

3. White Russians. When a girl orders a white russian it is like she is admiting that she is poor white trash. No body orders these except people that find the humor in jeff foxworthy or people that will later in life join a rod and gun club. Just stop.


Tipping
This is a secret that few people know untill now, it works trust me. If you know that you will be in that same bar for like 2 hours do this. Get your first drink from the bartender that you are already on a first name basis with. Leave him a huge tip like 10-20 dollars and simply tell him that "I'll be here all night insert bartenders name" Only 1 person has ever done this to me. Lets just say that he drank almost for free all night, had priority over everyone else in the bar. I made up rediculous compliments to him infront of beautiful women. This guy knew exactly how to act at a bar. I even gave away free drinks to women and guys and said they were from him. By the end of the night he left with a hot asian flight stewartess that was in town for 1 night. He was every mans hero including mine. The best part is that most people give that much away in tips to the bartender anyways, the key is to pay upfront and recieve red carpet service all night. Do this and you will be an instant celebrity.

Leaving the bar
Believe it or not, now is the best time to buy a girl/guy a drink. Make sure to just order something neutral without them knowing then be standing right near her/him when it arrives to them. Tell them that you didn't want to leave tonight without buying the cutest girl/guy in the bar a drink. Then apologize that you can't stay longer. Say goodbye to your bartender and make a motion to leave. This is about the time when the person that you bought the drink for becomes intrigued as to who this good looking mystery person was that bought them a drink was. If you played your cards right all night you should be in mid conversation with the doorman on your way to leaving when the person comes and grabs you, they are so turned on right now. What type of person buys someone of the opposite sex a drink and then just smiles and walks away......a person that is going home with someone tonight because they read my webpage.

If you love your kids you will raise them lower middle class

As many of you know i grew up in a lower middle class neighborhood just a few minutes north or Hartford. For most of the years i remember it was just me and my mom living in the smallest house in town. Our kitchen table was an oversized electrical spool. Most of our furnature was lime green or orange and brown because its expensive to escape the 70's. No bedset, just a matress on the floor to comfort me at night. I could go on for pages about all the make-shift arrangements that we had in our house but im not going to. What made it even tougher for our small family was that we lived just within the school district of simsbury, CT. One of the richest school systems in one of the richest states. Im not a rare case. All the kids in my small town had the displeasure of being bussed into a school system that was based on something we didn't have.....money. Our parents weren't lawyers and doctors. They were babysitters, fry cooks, garbage men, and even janitors. This is the point of my story. We represented the heart and soul of the infrastructure of Simsbury and they didn't even appreciate it. My mom babysat their kids and was a dental assistant. The same dental assistant that helped the dentist put braces on rich kids but couldn't afford them for her own son. I guess when i look at it i wouldn't have it any other way because i learned to apreciate everything i did have, not what i didn't have. I didn't lust for more. I just wanted to see more of my mom. I remember i walked in on her once and she was just crying because she couldn't provide the life that she wanted for me. That my friends is why i am here. For my mom. I could have easily failed out of life but i stuck with it. I want to show my mom that she did provide for me, more than she could ever imagine. I didn't care that i showed up to swimming lessons with 2 empty milk jugs as swimmies cause we couldn't afford the inflateable orange ones. None of that matters now. I took every experience for what it was worth. So this May when i get my diploma it will be for my mom, im not getting it for me...im sorry but im just not. This diploma will be more my moms than mine. It will be the diploma that she wasn't able to get. It will be the same diploma that all those rich kids that picked on me and my mom would get. The difference is that i really earned it and i've been through more in my life than you could even imagine. You may have had a head start in the race but i came from behind and won it. So consider this story when you have kids of your own. If you give them everything they will have no sense of achievement. If you give them love, you will give them the support and confidence that they can achieve anything.

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times

This is a story about the craziest night(s) of my life:

First of all i want to say sorry for all my close friends that know this story but still, its worth hearing again and mentioning to others that are hearing this for the first time. This is the point when i knew...i was awesome at college.

This is a true story and is told exactly as i remember it or howerver others have told me it went.

It all started out like most thursday nights at the liqour store. Even though i was only 18 at the time i was lucky to have a 21 year old roomate who bought for me like it was his job. I told him get me something that will get me drunk. He came out with a bottle of cuervo. The night was looking promising till i got back to the dorm room and found all my other roomates studying and watching tv and with no desire to party which for them was basically the reason they went to college. How could this be. I was determined to get drunk...with or without them. So i started just taking shots of cuervo and put in goodwill hunting. 8 shots later goodwill hunting is done. Feeling pretty buzzed. Hit rewind. Lets do it again. 2nd time around do about another 6-8 shots. Drunk. Everyone sleeping, dorm is quiet. Hit rewind, watched the movie for the 3rd time in a row. Bottle is almost gone. Wasted. Almost cry when matt damon hugs robin williams. Everyone still asleep. So i finally finish the bottle and i am about to start to watch it for a forth time. Instead i just decide to go wake my friend Barry up. It is 7 AM. i slam open his room door to find him putting on his coat to come get me. Why is this. Aparently today is the day that our class is going on a field trip to Montreal to visit Upscale hotels and practice our networking skills, then eat at a 5 star restaurant, then wrap the trip up with a visit to the casino followed by having a drink with the whole class in a bar. Stunned and unbelievably drunk my friend basically changes me into dress clothes. I want to puke on him. Next thing i remember i am in a small white van. Everyone is looking at me, they talk to me. I can't talk. Barry has become my interpreteur and hero. I pass out. Next thing i know i am in a foreign country. Then suddenly we are all shaking hands with a gereral manager of a prestigeous hotel. He smiles at everyone then looks at me like he hates me. My face doesn't back down. I ask a dumb question and everyone laughs at me. We leave. Then i am suddenly sitting down at a 5 star restaurant. You all may think you have been to a 5 star restaurant before....you haven't. There are few in the country/world to earn 5 stars. I am still so wrecked. I start drinking like 8 glasses of water. I eat stuff but can no longer taste. Then our professor has a treat for us. We are to taste test fine wines. We taste about 5 or so wines. When i am done i notice everyone had spit their wine out like you are supposed to. I missed that instruction. Girls are now giggling at me. Barry looks worried for my health. I am smiling. We then get our entrees. It is some meat. I eat it, there is a chance it was an ostrich. I get back in the van. Everyone is just waiting for me to die. We arrive at the casino. I need coaxing to get out of the van. We get a tour so that means more walking. Everyone is staring at me. I know its my lucky day. After several failed attempts i order a bud light. I put 5 dollars in a slot machine. I then forget that i did this and walk away. Then i am back in the van. We head downtown to Peel's Pub. To everyones horror i order a pitcher of long island iced tea.....for myself. It tastes really watered down. I drink it all. People cheer when i finish it. i then buy my teachers drinks. We are back on the van. I tell border patrol that i am fine. They did not ask how i was doing. I pass out again. I am back at champlain college. Barry walks me up the hill to the dorm. He puts me to bed. I tell him that i love him. I sleep for nearly 2 days. When i wake up my voice-mailbox is full. I am now a legend.

The cradle of civilization will look like the cradle of civilization

How to win the war in Iraq:
There is no question in anyones mind that Bush underestimated what it would take to stabilize Iraq. I mean bush said that the troops would recieve a hero's welcome and would be "showered by flowers and candy" and by flowers and candy he meant mortars and bullets. Not a day goes by that i dont read about how 4 U.S. soldiers were killed in some small town that i can't pronounce. Dear Mr. President...Here is the solution you have been waiting for. I call it OPERATION DE-WESTERNIZATION. I am sick of supporting a country that doesn't want us there. I am sick of supporting a world that has never once come to our aid in a time of need. (see september 11th) American's have a long history of helping foreign countries in their greatest time of need. See (reason for huge national debt.) With all that said, I'm really sick of sharing my culture with a country that burns my flag and beheads my fellow citizens. So im saying take back America my friends. Take back all our American culture out of Iraq and other unsuportive nations. Sorry Iraq, no more Coca Cola Classic, no more Nike shoes, no more Michael Jordan, and especially no more New York Yankees. Fuck you Iraqi Soccer team, oops their goes your addidas soccer balls, thats what you get for us saving you from the torture of the Hussain Sons when you lost in the world cup. Thats what you get for then talking shit about america behind our backs. Stip Iraq of everything that is american. If they have so much pride in their country they can have it back. I would love mine back. Take out all of the American money and exchange it for camels or pottery or whatever currency they want. "Im sorry sir but im going to have to confiscate your General Motors automobile. You are now only permitted to use either camels or magic carpets as your source of transportation." Also make a domestic law that says that all new American cars must be alternative fuel burning, not oil. That way no american currency or investment will go to Iraq for oil basically crumbiling their economy even more than it sucks now. That way they can trade sand to Iran. What we also need is an Iraqi terrorist group that targets Iraqi terrorists. You are probably thinking that i am being silly. Pablo Escobar would not think that i was being silly. See Escobar was running shit smooth in Columbia like a dictator should. This was untill a local group of Columbian civilians trained and paid by the CIA and navy seals called "los pepes" started raining shit on Escobar's parade in the form of killing everyone that worked for him. Los pepes were just guerilla fighters that were sick of living in fear so they decided to eliminate the problem. Fight terrorism with terrorism. Why is this so hard to figure out. And now look at columbia, i mean the coffee is delicious and shakira is still beautiful. Lets set Iraqi culture back like 300 years to the year 600 A.D. Lets pull the American Culture out of a country that never apreciated it in the first place. Lets give them back their sandbox. Without american money for jobs, they will be playing in it for many years to come before they come back crying to us for help. I give them 2 weeks. It will be then that we refer them to Kuwait, France, Germany, Poland, England, and every other country that owes us a favor. I figure let them deal with some of the worlds problems for a while. Then we can sit back and make fun of them. I'll even buy a new pair of air jordans. God bless America.

Girlfriend Application

Being a guy is tough stuff. I mean girls can't even figure out what they don't like. They are so fucking indecisive. So how are we supposed to know that playing Brian McKnight = getting laid. I decided to make it easy. Print this one out...This is a girlfriend application.

Girlfriend Application

Name:
Age:
Contact information:
How far away do you live:

1. Do you have an overprotective boyfriend that has served jail time? Y or N
2. Our first kids name will be?
A: Not till im 32
B. Never
3. Where will we live?
A. Not near your parents
B. Where ever I want
4. When will you call me?
A. Only in an emergency
B. Phones are for girls
C. All the time
5. Are your friends
A. Hot and single
B. Annoying and influential
6. If I were to get drunk and pass out you would think
A. passsed out guys are hot
B. damn im lucky to be with the champ!
c. i should have listened to my ugly friends
7. If I were to completely tune you out, it would be?
A. completely understandable.
B. because you don't stop talking...ever.
8. The only way you would be at a wedding would be if
A. It was the wedding you have been planning for us since you were a little girl.
B. There was an open bar
9. Stippers are:
A. off limits
B. people too!
10. If sports is what I like than you suppose you'll have to learn how to:
A. steal the remote control from me and reprogram it so it seems like cable is out.
B. learn how to play blackjack so you can win enough money to buy me a motorcycle.
11. Kittens are cute and?
A. cuddly lol smiles! :-)
B. not dogs
12. ESSAY QUESTION: Your ideal date would be? (Note: Must be 100 words or less and
must use words from the word bank below)

Low-standards, free, no popcorn, sex, no talking, sports bar, strippers, party, television, cool whip, hotel room, topless.







13. When my friends come over you will?
A. Secretly be mad at me.
B. Help set up the poker table and make a packie run for us.
14. If you were to bail me out of jail in the middle of the night it would be because
A. "Im not bailing you out of jail!"
B. You wouldn't, because you deserve better than that
C. I punched some guy out for looking at you the wrong way and to you that is
HOT!!!
15. Sex is something that is?
A. Comes before breakfast each day
B. Shared between people that love each other
16. If you ever break my heart i have the right to?
A. kill you
B. an appology...sorry :-(
C. date your sister and or best friend
17. Your mom is still?
A. A big part of your life
B. Hot for her age so that means you will be hot when you are older too.
18. Game 7 of the World Series falls on the same day as our anniversary so we could just?
A. Excuse me, this is our anniversary!
B. Hang out with your friends and watch the game in a bar
C. Take the money we would have used to buy each other anniversary presents and
use it to buy tickets on Ebay.
19. It would be acceptable if I forgot your birthday.
A. True
B. False
20. You will always be there for me, even when I am wrong, drunk, or when you are mad at me
A. True
B. False

"Im lovin it!"

McDonalds is great!...if you are going to write a nasty article about them. I used to love the Mcdonalds pizza's though...oh wait, no i didn't. Its like this in other countries too. In japan they once tried to promote seaweed burgers because they were delicious like wood pulp. They aren't even good at making bad food.....How is that? I'll tell you how. McDonalds doesn't make barely any profit off its food, thats why the food sucks. McDonalds is really the world's largest landlord. See Mcdonalds Corp. owns all the land that the establishments are built on so they take a small percentage of the revenue of each property and by small percentage i mean large. Selling food is just a front, the real money is made from taxing the land. Think about that every time you order your food. Or think about this. 75% of all low grade beef has shit in it...make it a double cheeseburger. Even up untill a couple years ago the McDonalds CHICKEN mcnuggets had more BEEF fat in them then CHICKEN fat. That my friends is fucking incredible. Only clowns wearing big red shoes can pull off magic like that. The best is that the fries used to have beef fat in them too which is hillarious considering all the hippies that ate them thinking they were a safe alternative to meat...lol. Wow. Come to think of it i love mcdonalds.

18 across is: Dumb

I could never understand why anyone would ever want to do a crossword puzzle. They always have the most open ended questions that are meaningless like 42 across: something that is nothing. Hmm, I don’t know a fucking tax return. What the fuck does that mean? Either that or it is something you think is easy like 20 across: up and ? Down! I got one. Not. Its always something dumb like "up and motivated" Who even thinks of that? I’ll tell you who. The common person that solves these crossword puzzles is in her mid 70’s and lives with her cats in southern Missouri. Chances are that she is doing them while patiently waiting for the prize patrol van to award her the check they promise every super bowl weekend.

The best profile yet?

A profile for the ladies:
Its a damn shame that romance died so that MTV could have spring break and everyone could hook up with each other. I know that guys are a major let down, but i mean girls too have their regrets. Its just such a shame that girls regrets are not going after the guy they truly know is right for them. Why wont a girl just go up to a guy and be like "i love you damn it!, i 've always loved you, i've never felt more at home than i do when im with you, you may not feel the same way about me but im willing to give up everything i hold dear just to have one chance to prove to you that i've made up my mind, losing you is better than never knowing if i could have had you my love"... A guys football would instantly deflate and he would then have to marry you. Guys want girls with balls, just not literally. So make the moves ladies, its not like you haven’t done it 300 times over in your head already.

The whole paper is the comics

The daily collegian is informative like an out of order sign.
Who writes this garbage? My profiles are filled with more facts and opinions than new England’s largest college daily paper. These are some of the cutting edge headlines from yesterdays paper: WOMEN"S GROUP HOLDS DISCUSSION. Holy shit women are talking? I first rushed to get the paper to read about how Mt St. Helen’s blew the fuck up again but once I read that women were talking, everything else in the world seemed unimportant. I was also going to buy a jaguar until I read the front page article: JAGUARS RECEIVE UNSAFE RATINGS. I was then relieved because I own a bmw – not! These are college students, who do these people think their audience is? Suggestion: Take the "established in 1890" off the front page. That way people won’t know that after 114 years, you still can’t get it right.

There is a reason it's called a dumbell

Working out at a gym is lame
I can't stand going to gyms, hence i don’t go. Its not that they smell like ball sweat (gross!) or the fact that they are filled with guys that are so in love with themselves that they probably masturbate in front of a mirror. The real reason i don't go to gym's is because i feel that real men build muscle from manual labor like splitting wood and moving furniture just like our grandfathers intended. Who needs machines to work out? I remember the story of John Henry and how he laid more railroad track and women then the machine that everyone thought could replace him. Women love men who are handy and look good doing it too, not a bunch of guys who want to share sweat towels and "spot" each other. So i may not be able to bench 400 pounds, but i can still put in an air conditioner and make love to a woman with the best of em.

Im right

For those of you who don’t know, the idea of a freedom tower to replace the now hallowed grounds of the world trade centers has been planned and will finish construction in 2008 as the worlds largest over-budgeted waste of steel. This proposed building’s budget is topping 1.5 billion dollars and will include a mall and mass transit because I’m sure that is what the 2,752 people who died would want to be remember by. Did anyone learn a fucking thing? The towers went down because they were a symbol of American capitalism and financial control. This is a burial memorial, and you want to make it into mall? I haven’t seen a mall at a cemetery since- oh wait, fucking never. Take the budget and spend it on education for our youth or even to fight poverty. This is a form of national defense too! I think all 2752 victims would want their money going to see that they died so that others could live. This is your country everyone, I’m sorry.

1 million people suffer from reading this article

What’s your disorder?
I can’t watch one TV show without getting railed with ads for some mystery medicine with weird names like flaxamilcin. They always start off with some universal minor symptom and then they throw out a number that contradicts the population census. Observe: " Over one and a half billion American’s suffer from being tired but now there is a new once a day tablet called flaxamilicin. Feeling tired is a serious illness that if goes undetected could lead to a coccain habit. Side effects include mild cough, headache, stuffy nose, or death. Then some satisfied user pops in and proclaims "This is how I really am" --You sleepy bitch, that’s not who u are, that’s who u are on drugs. Anyways, they always end the commercial where 2 ugly people are playing grab ass on the beach and you forget what you just watched.

People who saw Rocky IV don't remember any of this from the movie

This is a movie review for Rocky IV: The movie starts off with Apollo dying from A.) a broken heart or B.) a broken skull. The answer would be B. Nothing happens for 30 min. Then Rocky decides to avenge Apollo’s death by being a poor father and agreeing to fight the Russian in Russia on Christmas. He then goes to Siberia to train. Rocky just goes crazy and starts growing a beard and then shovels the driveway with his hands. Then he punches out a few horses like his father did in the old country. At the end of training he just looks at a tree and it falls down. Then comes the fight. Rocky blocks the Russian’s punches with his face for about 5 rounds. Then the 80’s metal ballads start playing and the Russian knows that he is about to be ruined. At the end rocky makes a public service announcement to the Russian fans saying that both Americans and Russians should learn to change their ways but only after they beat the shit out of each other.

Before this people thought the gideons were creatures of middle earth

As many of you know it’s that time of the year when the Gideon’s pass out pocket bibles in hopes that they will influence young people to seek god. The Gideon’s are a group of ordinary people much like you and me, that do extraordinary things with their times on this Earth much unlike you or me. So why are you inconvenienced with them? I remember I met this chick at a party 4 years ago that claimed that god hated her. These are my ideas of why she thinks that god hated her. 1. The mall closed early that day 2. She still hasn’t won the lottery 3. She missed a call because her cell phone was on vibrate. 4. Her boyfriend hooked up with her best friend because she was less annoying. Atleast this is what I can infer. Look, just because your pet goldfish died, doesn’t mean that you should give up on god. God has never given up on you and neither have a select group of devoted Christians whose sole purpose is to save you from yourself.

The people at T-mobile are equally annoying though

Nobody pissed me off more than the cocky asian cell phone salesperson at the mall. This is the story about how I owned him. FACT: phones are for girls. Never the less, I don’t go one day without seeing a group of guys in pink shirts with the collars popped talking on cell phones talking to each other about how they love romantic novels. So taking this as common sense, why would the cocky asian want to sell me a phone. Here is his pitch: "Hey what type of a phone do you have cause I guarantee I can switch you to a cheaper rate than what you are paying now." I confidently stated "No you can’t." Then he stated that he would switch my current plan for free. I said "no I’m happy with my current plan." Then he asked " Why, what plan do you have?" I told him that my plan was not to get a cell phone from him." His business colleague then looked at him and laughed because I had just dishonored his family.


Profile update: The cocky asian sell phone salesman works at the AT& T booth, make a point to have him show you every phone he has to sell you, then tell him that you dont have any money, then go buy a plasma TV from Radio shack right next door.

They are the problem, not me

Shaha: Sharing hope and hidden adgendas
For those of you who don’t know, shaha is a student run group that preforms "stories" and "skits" that imply all the worlds problems are the fault of the white heterosexual male christian. The group promotes togetherness by isolating people and stereotyping their differences because that is what builds community. Not to mention that during the presentation they mocked the national anthem and people actually walked out on them because soldiers have died under that song in order for shaha to have the freedom to spread their propaganda. The only time I felt togetherness during the whole presentation was at the end when everyone made fun of it right in front of the presenters. Without racism there is no need for shaha, that is motivation enough to accept people for their differences.

If i wore pink and got laid it would be by a guy.

Who needs cloning when you have abercrombie?
Ok stop right there, I know I wear abercrombie but I remember an abercrombie from back in the day. An abercrombie that stood for outdoors-wear. Former presidents used to wear abercrombie clothes because they were rugged and manly like a Canadian lumberjack.. And they didn’t have these metrosexual "men" laying nude on top of each other as advertising. The old mens ads were pics of guys out hunting with the dog and mouthing off to their wives. That’s the abercrombie I buy into every time some rich kids buys abercrombie clothes then gets rid of them 6 months later so I can buy them at the Salvation Army on half off Wednesdays. suckers! Its just a shame abercrombie had to puss out lately and market to MTV but that is a whole nother profile. Just remember the good old days of the abercrombie clothes that had 2 colors, green and brown like the forest, not fucking pink like the pussies that wear it

My first profile....awww

God never intended for southern California to be anything except a vast desert wasteland,... perhaps that is why it is constantly on fire, prone to catastrophic earthquakes, sinking into the pacific ocean, in financial shambles, overpopulated, and ruled by the Terminator.

GSNS?

Onstar is a substitute for a brain:
I don’t know about you but I am sick and tired of hearing those fucking Onstar commercials where some dumb bitch calls onstar because she locked her fucking kid in the car. And then the "professionals" at onstar send out an ambulance because everyone knows that paramedics are great at picking locks. Fucking amazing! These people can’t even figure out how to work a map. And its only available in luxury cars because rich people are the only ones dumb enough to not know that ever car comes with GSNS. What you don’t know what GSNS is? It’s called a Gas Station Navigational System. Its great, see whenever you are lost you can just go to a gas station and ask for directions just like infrastructure intended.. So the not-quite moral of the story is: the next time some soccer mom locks the kids in the car, Onstar should just call the Department of Social Services, not the ambulance.

No wonder the Whalers left town

Hartford America’s Safest City:
I admit it Hartford has a terrible reputation as being a dangerous city but as a former Hartford County resident I would like to say that its actually quite a nice place. I mean so what if an elementary school janitor was shot to death while snow-blowing a path for the kids to walk, and so what if his snow-blower later got stolen. And just because my x-co worker was shot in the leg and shoulder while passing out church pamphlets in the North End one night doesn’t mean Hartford isn’t safe. Just because cars don’t stop for pedestrians isn’t any reason to fault Hartford residents. At least you know that they wont stop so there is no guessing game if you are a pedestrian, you know that they will just hit you. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to raise kids anywhere else. I mean its like we have after-school activity clubs for students too! They are called gangs.

Little kids pee in pools

I never saw why anyone would want to get a swimming pool. I remember the kid up the street had a pool and all the town kids thought he was great and by he I mean the pool. Everyone trashed his pool and had pool parties everyday even when he wasn’t home. I mean 70% of the fucking world is covered in water. What ever happened to dads getting drunk and spraying their kids in the face with the hose, even if they didn’t like it? Or running through the sprinkler in your neighbor’s yard? Black people don’t need pools, as soon as some little black girls go anywhere near a fire hydrant in the inner city it just explodes and water spews out and then they start playing double-dutch. Everyone knows that. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger cooled down in a swamp to elude the predators heat sensors and look at him, now he’s a governor. I don’t need to buy a pool for my kids, some rich pussy kids parents will buy you one for us.

Everyone knows a red-headed step child trumps a homoerotic clown

A real american hero:
If you don’t know who Dave Thomas is than you should probably wash my car. Dave Thomas is the founder of Wendy’s restaurant. Dave was adopted when he was very little and grew up poor but he had a dream. Dave dropped out of school at age 15 to work in a local restaurant because school sucks. Dave was palls with Colonel Sanders, founder of KFC, and worked with him and turned KFC into a profitable business then sold his shares back for millions. Dave became a prominent voice in adoption rights and broke down many of the barriers that plagued the process for years. Even George Bush Sr. praised Dave because the president was like "hey you deal with it." In addition Dave personally wrote letters to Fortune 500 companies saying that they should cut the shit and give back to the communities. Quality has always been Wendy’s recipe. Dave wouldn’t have it any other way. Dave Thomas 1932-2002

Let em work

Truck drivers have the right away:
Im going to have homicidal thoughts about the next person I see cutting off or getting in the way of a truck driver.
Lets go over the facts: Truck drivers are at work!…They are working…they are punched in…why are you fucking with them at work? These people are like "Oh I don’t see why he can’t wait, im going the speed limit" Hmmm he probably can’t wait because his pay is proportional to his performance and time, kind of like your job dickhead. I really want the next truckdriver that gets held in traffic by a commuter to follow the commuter to work, and wait till they start working. Then they should just jump out screaming and yelling, tip over the water cooler, scatter all their papers and then steal their phone. It would be great just to see the face of the person sitting behind the desk.. Maybe then they will realize that work sucks enough without people fucking with you.

Who does that?

Transgender bathrooms?
Just proof that anybody can come up with a stupid concept wasting tax payers money in addition to valuable courtroom sessions that should be reserved for that thing called justice…What the fuck are these people thinking? Look if you want to change your body image more time than the transformers did that’s fine…but what are you thinking…you have the open opportunity to use the girl’s bathroom and you are passing this up. All guys know that the girls bathroom is like a hotel lobby with toilets and virgin white doves and fresh rose gardens. I remember I had to clean the girls bathroom at work once and it had a couch and soft toilet paper and the Charmin Bear or at least 2 out of those 3. I mean transgender individuals have this opportunity and they just blow it. Wow, they really are confused.

Which ever presidential canidate adopts my policy on crime will win

Leave it to me to think of the perfect way to prevent crime while also reducing repeat offenses and jail overcrowding. I call it "Not cruel but unusual punishment" This would be a conversation of drug dealers if my plan was in effect. "Yo how much for a pound of brick weed" "You crazy! I don't sell no more, man last time I got caught I had to serve 2 years just typing on a keyboard all day that wasn't plugged in! "That's nothing my cousin did 5 years for embezzlement and whenever he wanted to go anywhere he would have to walk backwards. "That's fucked up but hear this, my bro last week called from the pen and told me that he has brush other peoples teeth for them!" Other punishments would include building dirt mounds for no reason, sorting leaves by color, counting pine needles on trees and tying random things together. No one would ever commit a crime ever again, ever.

People failed their first test cause they brought my cheatsheet instead

Cheatsheet to college

Summer classes – quarters = parking tickets
Alcohol = peeing Alcohol 2 = puking
Students – books + beer pong = college
Girls = (trouble x prettiness)
Guys = beer + football / attention span – listening skills
October + Redsox = crying
You + video games = lower GPA
Red Bull + Alcohol = fighting
Desire to drink > Desire to go to class
Frats = jocks – education + kegs = $ 5.00
Hippies = frisbees + people’s market
Out of shape college students + snow + football – pads = injury

Reverse the curse

For too many years guys have had to open jars, kill spiders, put in air-conditioners, and clean gutters all by womens requests because they can't do those things because they are women. From now on guys should use the "I can’t do ___ because I’m a guy excuse. Example, your girl comes home to see you on the couch in your underwear watching boxing: "Honey im home"…WHAT! This house is a mess I told you to unload the dishwasher and vacuum the floor! "But I can’t, im a guy, we can’t do those things!" "That is the poorest excuse I’ve ever heard, and look the dog is drinking from the toilet and you are just watching boxing….are you even listening to me?" "No I am a guy, we don’t listen well" "You couldn’t even take out the trash? "I don’t know how" "And I told you to do the laundry! "Well I smelled it and it seemed fine" You smelled our laundry? Yeah…that’s what guys do.

Insomnia is dumb

C'mon hop in:
I love sleeping, im so excited to just sleep tonight. But what are these people that are like...."oh its great sleeping weather tonight"...wait what? Your telling me that my sleeping pattern has a direct correlation to the jetstream.....perfect. Anyways, i just dont see how people are always like...."oh poor kid, all he does is sleep, he must be depressed"........I dunno you tell me but if i was sleeping 10 hours a day i would be pretty fucking happy! The bottom line is that the people that are like "oh its a shame that we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping" are the same people that do arts and crafts....Personally, you can tell me all about it in the morning....good luck with that.

Sundays aren't just for hangovers

Time well spent:
I can honestly say that the best part of my week is when i am in church. Briefly, just briefly...the world makes sense. I have no reason to fear. I fight back tears every week in church, maybe its everyone coming together, maybe its the message...whatever it is, its a cascade of emotion. Time and time again when all hope seemed lost...somehow i was bailed out by devine intervention. So i have a question for you...are you that good that everytime you have been bailed out of a tough situation, it was all your doing? If you think so you probably also think my coffee pot is a direct product of a chain reaction of hydrogen explosions billions of years ago. Sorry to burst your bubble but Hydrogen + explosion =/= coffee pot. i have a better equation .596% is the amount of my week i spend at church. Now look at the difference it has made. This ones for you J.C. hehe

Alcohol Awards! Congrats, way to fail!

And the award for worst alcohol ever goes to....
Ron Roberto spiced rum. If you have ever had this misfortune to taste this distillation disaster then you would agree. It tastes like ethenol alcohol mixed with sugar daddy's but the taste doesnt even seem to be blended what so ever. Upon research i discovered that they had the idea to expand on their poor product by produceing six different lines of the Ron Roberto Rum. Hey Ron, buddy, chances are, if 1 wont sell, neither will 6. Here is a quote from a rep: "Now we're dealing with six Ron Robertos. Even if we don't make a dent but just a ping in their numbers, 10% makes it a worthwhile effort." No...it doesn't, just give up and save yourself the time and money of liquidating you assets upon bankrupcy. Just give up, sell your company to anheiser-busch and let them handle it...you are out of your league.
Honorable mention for the award: Vera Cruz tequila

I failed algebra 2, three times

4 x (66-)? 9-=.3.>78/3 ! ^3{%x+.4902/3+=%2 !!!!........exactly...math is not the international language. What are these people thinking when they say that people communicate through math? Whenever my finance teacher writes #'s i the board i immediately space out. Probably for the better. The best is when people spend their whole lives proving some theorem and in the end all they get is the "satisfaction of knowing that they did a good job". If you are so talented at math...why don't use use your talents to help make cars safer or formulate cures for diseases. I don't get it...i know that i am right with this one. Its just a shame that so much wasted talent is going into mathmatical masturbation....worthless!

Spelling Bees Suck

Spelling is irelavent...see!
Maybe its the -5 spelling 's i get on top of my papers or the fact that no one responded to my online resume when i spelled the word professional wrong...the main thing is, i may have done it again right now and i still dont care. Nobody should. If you can understand what the person is saying than whats the big deal? Shouldn't people just care about the message instead of the mechanics. Say i were to spend 5 min a day checking spelling since i was 5 years old and lived to be 80. i would have spent over 3 months of my life just checking fucking spelling....this is how much of a difference it would make...zero. I can still make the same points even with misspelled words because that is how the human brain works -it fllls in the blanks and corrects the errors for you so u can better comprehend the sentence...see? did ya catch it? ;-)

The next time an Indian feels opressed, they should talk to black people

I can't watch one TV show without seeing that metrosexual guitar player singing his stupid jingle for foxwoods casino. These Indian's are really getting their revenge...the new "trail of tears" is when you have to walk home after losing your car and a years paycheck over a game of blackjack. Then i thought of this -what have we done for relatives of former slaves? I couldn't really think of anything really...no casino friendly legislature that created a multi billion dollar sector. No gift of land protected from certain taxes and unwanted development. White people just said sorry, picked up their shit, moved to suburbia, enrolled the kids in private school, and took all the money with them. Perhaps out of "kindness" we left a donation to put up a museum so they can relive the horror over and over..."Gee, i bet they'll really love this new slave museum!" Yeah asshole, im sure they are fucking thrilled.

Those poor upper middle class white kids

I feel your pain:
Ya know what bothers me more than smoothies and hippies? Tortured artists that pair meaningless groups of words together so that we can all mourn their pain cause they are so fucking unique.....observe my best tortured artist impression:
The realm i claim is dark and lonely, every since you vanished, moments pass over me, time wasted yet, everything is not lost, forever seems too little once again my dear, wondering hopeful, nowhere, nowhere, may winters cold chill embrace only the few, only those destined to be left behind..........BORING! what is this shit, how is this impressive, i dont know what is worse, the people that write this shit or the people that think it is poetry. I wrote that shitty jumble of garbage in less than 2 minutes, imagine the people that waste their whole lives putting together less talanted cluster's than that gem.

The beer diet

Smoothies aren't just for girls, they're for fat girls:
Let me enlighten you. An avg. 20 oz. strawberry smoothie contains over 500 calories and a whopping 82 grams of sugar. 66 percent of the total calories are from sugar. Please ladies...you could even drink 11 bud lights and still have less carbs then the amount in 1 Vanilla Bean Coolata. Personally i'd rather see drunk girls, not fat girls. Just because it has fruit in it doesn't mean it's healthy. If that was the case everyone would just eat banana splits and drink strawberry daquri's all day and die from every complication ever. Don't be that stupid. So ladies, next time you are thinking about getting a smoothie; buy a 6-pack of beer, put on your bikini, lay out in the sun and say that you are "dieting." Everyone knows that nothing is hotter than girls in bikinis with beer. That is...everyone except the girl in the smoothie line.

Power Crystals?

$80 for a power crystal?...sorry actually it is a crystal-pyramid orgone energy generator...that sounds nice, maybe it can jumpstart my car, nope, but it can "create a strong healing vibration and clear the atmosphere of negative energies, enabling us to awaken the gentle art of living in harmony." It can also channel orgone or "life force energy" in the form of a field that swirls at varient speeds in an upward motion like a tornado of doom and when i say doom i mean hope and happiness. Egyptians too thought that pyramids were a powerful symbol of a staircase leading the pharoah's and their belongings to a museum in Washington D.C, i mean to the falcon god "horus." Im not knocking your religion, i just dont wan't you to think that you have to aquire flashy possessions to advance yourself spiritually. Holy spirit resides in your heart, not in a crystal you purchased online.

Marine biologists support this article

SCUBA: Sea Creatures Usually Bite Assholes
I can scuba dive all i want from the comfort of a general admission price ticket to the local aquarium. I mean have these people ever seen the discovery channel? There is always some stupid dolphin just swimming around aimlessly untill it gets eaten by a rock. Either that or an electic eel..ok its an snake that lives in the water and has teeth and electricity, hmm, thats normal!? But there's always some curious asshole that sticks his hand into a plant and an eel zaps him...then the TV is usually like "then paramedics rushed to the scene"...Im sure ambulances travel real well underwater...oh wait exactly. So besides the dolphin eating rocks and electric snake creature there are also squids that attach to your head and suck your brains out but chances are if you are scuba diving, there was nothing there to begin with.

Drunken phone calls

The only 1-800 # that really matters:
I dont even see why coors brewing company even tries, don't they know that budweiser has this shit on lock down. I mean budweiser creates competion for itself they are that good...Budweiser has a beer for just about anyone : bud, bud light, bud ice, michelob family, busch family, natural ice family, bacardi silver, Odoul's, Cobra 40's, and even tequiza for hippies. That is why i am suggesting that you call the budweiser hotline: 1-800-dial-bud and tell them how impressed you are. They really do love to hear from you. I talk to them a bunch like just to say hi and tell them how my day went, they love hearing from drunk people too. You are even luckier if you take a budweiser brewery tour, you get free beer and pretzels at the end and get to pet the clydesdales and everyone knows nothing goes better with beer than large horses and pretzels...that is everyone except coors brewing company.

Kids die so your phone can be on vibrate

Look i know how everyone is a slave to their cellphones and how dependant we are to be connected to each other at every moment but here is a noble idea. Take the $ 30 a month you would spend on your bill and sponsor a child that needs you. Save a life damn it, if i don't need a cell phone, neither do you. With your $ 30 a month you can give a child nutritious food, a roof that doesn't leak, help to purchase livestock, school supplies, adequate clothing, and access to regular doctor check ups. These are modest needs at best but needs we have all had fulfilled our entire lives. These are beautiful children that will never need a cell phone, just modest needs that only you can provide. This is a life or death issue, please look at this website: www.savethechildren.org and look into the eyes of these children...then look at your cellphone and tell me which one is worth saving

Instant classic

I'm sick of hearing people complain that they paid 1.89 for a gallon of gas. Yet people have no problem paying 1.50 for a 20oz. bottle of water: the most abundant natural resource on the face of the Earth. At that rate converted to gallons, a gallon of their hippy creek water would cost $9.40 and chances are its made by coca cola anyways (see dasani). So if spending $5 a gallon for gas means that our troops can come home safely to their familys; I say anti-up. If spending $7 a gallon means that my high school friend- felix delgreco didn't burn to death from a mortar that hit his tank, i'll pay with a smile. If paying $10 a gallon means Pat Tillman is still playing football and not dying a hero (fuck you Rene Gonzalez) than i will gladly pay or walk and still not sacrifice nearly as much as he did. As far as i am concerned, our soldiers overseas are the only ones that are paying too much for gas.

Q.E.D.

Why bad things happen to good people:
I did a ton of thinking on this issue, im sure we all have, this is what i came up with: When bad things like disease or tragedy happens to a good person, others are faced with the oportunity to go above and beyond what they normally would to help or even save this person. An otherwise ordinary person is changed into a volunteer with a heart of gold. Suddenly money turns back into paper and time turns back into moments. Communities unite and people work together. In the midst of tragedy some of the most humane and unselfish acts humanly possible take place. A hero is no longer a comic book figure, but the guy that donated his kidney so that a little girl could live. Its like the world reverts back to how God intended it to be. Bad things happen to good people so that other good people will be born out the negative situation and for one brief moment...they will be someones angel.

Nobody likes rich people

Tear down the rich people complexs and put up farms:
How many times have you seen an old farm being torn down and sold off just so that some cookie-cutter rich people housing development can go up? All those houses have a short access road and all look the same and are built to the same spec's and there arent any trees anywhere near them. You see a sign before them that says some fucking weird rich sounding phrase like "Belmont Glen" or "Meadow Brook Estates" Even more disturbing is that all the children look the same like in that movie "Children of the Corn" and atleast 1 of them is always riding a bike in the driveway. The only thing more unoriginal and morally destructive than these houses are the people that own them. How would I feel after I plowed your house and put up a fruit stand? i dunno, probably the same as you felt when you plowed a farm and put up your house: guiltless!

Guns and Roses Rules!

Turn off the radio:
Its over kids, Rock stars are a dying breed. As radio airwaves fill with hip-hop and teen-stardom american idol bullshit, i am left to remember a different time. What the fuck is hip-hop anyways, im 94% sure that if you said to 2pac's face that you enjoy listening to his hip-hop music, he would shoot you in your face while yelling "west side till i die"...Don't get it confused -2pac was a rockstar. He once shot 2 off duty cops just for harassing someone else. The only guns these new artists will ever hold are the ones they commit suicide with in the midst of slumping record sales. weak!...new "artists" can't even hold their own on the party scene either. If Ja Rule ever tried to party with Axl Rose, Ja rule would party till he died and axl would carry his corpse to the after-party. That is how much Guns and Roses rule. Wait let me think of a better band name than Guns and Roses.....nope, can't.

american idol?

Ryan Seacrest is the reason i can't impress a girl by winning an arm wrestling contest:
Ryan Seacrest is the metrosexual host of American Idol - America's largest adolecent popularity contest. He is the reason i can't watch "Die Hard 2" during prime time hours and i must settle to watch an edited version of it on TBS at 12:30 at night. The worst is that he is unavoidable. Just as you turn to watch Rambo: First Blood, it will jump to comercial and Ryan Seacrest will try to sell me a fucking cell phone. -Dude, I know we share the same name, but i really dont have that much in common with you and no i dont want you to call me. Final not to Ryan Seacrest: I dont own a cell phone and i dont care about "custom ringtones", my pillow is my personal hair stylist and a scornful poker face is talent unlike anything you will ever possess.

Jesus X!

I play video games on my Microsoft Christ-Box:
I will die happier if i never hear or see the expression MERRY X-MAS ever again. Hey lets substitute Christ for the letter X, that way it will be easier for us to forget the true meaning of Christmas. Way to be. What is fuck is an x-mas anyways? Who thinks up this illiterate bullshit? Let me demonstrate through logic how rediculous this all is: Ok so we have merry x-mas to substitute for christmas making x = christ. So then we can make Christ-men comic books instead of X-men. Then we could have caution railroad christ-ing signs. Why stop here? We could have JESUS X!! (EXTEME JESUS!! YES!), imagine the marketability! History books could be changed to decribe the life of militant black activist Malcom Christ. Still not seeing my point and you will continue to substitute X for christ, try this abreviation...F.U.!

Nascar

Nascar: fueled by cynical idiots
When i was 16 i mastered the basic skills of Nascar -driving an automobile dangerously fast. Add in a few left hand turns and you have a "Sport." You may think there is more to Nascar then driving fast- yeah and there is more to crouqet then hitting a ball through wickets, its just that no one gives a shit. Many Nascar fans would agree that they watch the races mainly to see a crash. Here is some advice for those Nascar fans: Go out to a busy intersection around rush hour traffic, bring a case of beer and a lawn chair so you can sit and wait till someone crashes...When they do, make sure to jump out of your seat and cheer, even high five a few pedestrians if you feel the need...you will then see how much of an asshole you are.

what's marketing?

IBM comercials are worthless, I decided that i would come up with an IBM comercial for them- (dramatization) "The IT server is down" "Down?" "Well, precievably" "Our infrastructure couldn't match the demand of the superstructure it inhibits." "We need a solution that creates an alternate route around the pressures of micromanaging. Can we manifest a solution by thinking outside of the box, while still remaining a key player in a global market?" "Perhaps we can!"
IBM: Making Dollars Not Sense

It must be the shoes!

The family heirloom: skateboard shoes?
Seriously, nothing is better than skateboarding shoes. If you buy a pair of skateboarding shoes and don't skateboard, it will be the last pair of shoes you will ever buy...ever. Skateboarding shoes are designed to withstand a constant scraping motion along a highly abrasive surface while hundreds of pounds (body weight) are applied in the oposite direction of that abrasive surface. Now take these facts into consideration and apply them on a daily basis and you have a shoe that is torn to pieces right? Wrong, my mom made me throw out my original skateboarding shoes still in good condition (6 year old shoes skated every day) presumable because she couldnt take the fact that she was so incredibly wrong in her original suggestion that i should have bought nike's. I mean skate shoes are tough, but its not like some are made with kevlar, the stuff bullet proof vests are made from...oh wait, they are.

What the Weather Channel doesn't want you to know

Today: Mostly unsure with a chance of misrepresentation, temperatures in the mid-guesses
I've been tricked for the last time with false weather predictions. So i devised this plan to render the weather channel and its services obsolete. First to get the current weather stick your hand out the window (fucking incredible huh?) through this you can accurately determine the temperature and weather condition (amazing) For this same data, these are the annual costs of weather channel services: Desktop Weather Platinum + cost of (verizon) DSL needed to run it = $434.39, The Weather Channel included in Adelphia Cable service package = $480. Currently for $5 on ebay you can buy a 3 in 1 barometer/ thermometer/ humidity gauge, esentially all you need to accurately predict weather. No more waiting around for "Local on the 8's," Weather Channel's cleverly phrased yet uniformative guessing forum, just use my method and rake in the savings.